TITLE: Chasing Shadows

SERIES: Birds of Prey

AUTHOR: Dreiser

EMAIL: dreiser3@yahoo.com

YAHOO/AOL IM: dreiser3

MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.net/

CONTENT: F/F romance. The stars are Barbara/Helena. Don’t like it, don’t like them, don’t like the series, please don’t bother to read the fic.

SUMMARY: After the supposed death of Carolyn Lance, Helena discovers that she was far more than just another superhero to Barbara.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my belief that comic books are merely soap operas about people in tight outfits. Wait, that’s still a soap opera.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: WB sucks. I’m a steady reader of the Birds of Prey comic and I’m enjoying the TV series quite a bit. I’m saddened I’ll no longer get to stare at Dina Meyer weekly. Once again I repeat that the WB sucks.

 

 

Chasing Shadows

 

By: Dreiser

 

 

It started with a simple enough gesture, a moment of kindness not unexpected from someone of Barbara's nature. Searching through her belongings of old and blowing the dust off a treasured book of memories, one filled with pictures of herself in the days of her glorious youth. When she was lean, muscled, and definitely not paralyzed.

 

Side by side with Carolyn, arm wound firmly around her waist, smiling wide and carefree at the camera and Dick Grayson who stood on the other side of it. Those were the times she longed for when she allowed herself that rare moment of hopeless what if wishing.

 

Especially now that Carolyn was gone again. Yes, Batman was her mentor, but Carolyn… she was so much more. She was the first woman to really take up a role in crime fighting and she was everything Barbara wanted to be. For a very long time she was simply everything that Barbara wanted.

 

Then Oliver came along and Carolyn was swept up by his charms leaving Barbara to watch on helplessly as her dreams were stolen by another. Leaving herself to seek the safe comfort that Dick always provided. But just as quickly as Oliver fought his way into Carolyn's life he was gone and Barbara leapt to pick up the pieces.

 

And for a time, they were happy.

 

Too soon, reality crashed into their safe little world. Carolyn's fear of what Dinah would think of her love affair with Barbara, of her superhero lifestyle, and finally the fear in the end that Hawke would kill her little girl out of revenge. This was the fear that caused Carolyn to leave New Gotham and Barbara along with it.

 

Until now, she never returned, not even when Barbara was shot by the Joker. For a time Barbara thought perhaps she didn't know or that she was too far into hiding with Dinah to be at her side. But when Carolyn appeared at the clock tower, searching for Dinah she knew what it was. Carolyn had told her with blue eyes full of regret and sadness.

 

"I was scared, Barbara," she whispered, falling to her knees and pressing her face into Barbara's lap as elegant fingers wound their way softly into her hair in a soothing effect. "Scared and ashamed. I left you to keep Dinah safe but I couldn't even do that. I gave her away to those monsters and when I heard what the Joker did to you…" With all that she was, Barbara knew she would never forget the look of cold hatred in Carolyn's eyes as she spoke then. "I wanted to kill him, I did, and I almost came back to do just that but I didn't think you'd want me around after what I did." Releasing a choked sob, she looked away and said raggedly, "I should've been there for you. Protected you…"

 

Gentle hands cupped her chin and Barbara turned Carolyn's face until their eyes met. Looking into Carolyn’s fearful gaze, she murmured, "I chose this life for myself. I chose to keep doing the job instead of leaving Gotham with you. It's not your fault."

 

"But I--" Carolyn protested guiltily, rising upwards.

 

"Shh," Barbara said quietly, pressing her fingertips against Carolyn's full lips. A smile curving on her mouth, she continued, "You're here now. That's all that matters to me and I imagine that’s all that matters to Dinah."

 

Then a kiss to try and recreate the old times. A kiss that was hot, wet, and open, their tongues seeking out and entwining, soft sighs and groans as they tried to get as close as possible but it was never quite close enough for them. But this kiss wasn’t like that. No, not at all. Instead it was safe and familiar and Barbara thought she would drown from the sheer overwhelming feeling of contentment it gave her. Despite all this, it just wasn’t a kiss that reflected their passions of old but Barbara hardly cared at this point. She had Carolyn back… she had someone that she could allow her veneer of ever present of control to fall around. Someone comfortable, someone safe, who knew and accepted what little she had to give in the way of relationships and emotions.

 

Now she was gone again and that happiness was faded. All she had was her unshakable vow, her need to protect the city simply because she had to do it. More and more it was being proven she was the last of their kind. Her friends, her lovers, her comrades were all disappearing one by one and she owed it to them to keep on. Even though she was getting so very tired with it all. Tired with the act of living.

 

"Barbara?"

 

Slowly turning to look at Dinah, she wondered for the hundredth time since she found out that Carolyn was dead how she never knew. How she didn't notice they shared the same endless blue eyes, the same shy smile, the same soft tone of voice. Shaking her head and willing herself out of this funk, Barbara smiled at Dinah.

 

"What is it, sweetie?" asked Barbara evenly, moving closer to the teenager who was still flipping through the album. Coming to a stop next to her, she noticed it was a rare photo of Oliver with a beaming Carolyn, who was staring adoringly up at him.

 

"Is this…?" Dinah trailed off, unable to say the words she somehow knew were true.

 

"Your father," said Barbara quietly. "Oliver Queen. Your mother loved him very much. I'm not sure where he is now." Looking carefully at Dinah, she murmured, "We could look for him if you would like."

 

"He's a metahuman?" asked Dinah, staring at the handsome blonde man with a neatly trimmed goatee and rakish smile. Something about him made her want to smile. Maybe that's why her mother had loved him, she realized.

 

"No," Barbara shook her head and gave into the need to grin. "Oliver's just Oliver. He's normal when it comes to his genetics but… well," she ducked her head to look at Dinah, whose eyes were full of curiosity. "I hate to see what he could do as a metahuman."

 

"What happened with him and my Mom? I mean, does he know… about me?" asked Dinah hesitantly, looking at Barbara with wide eyes.

 

"They had a parting of ways," said Barbara slowly, unsure of the best manner to word it. "Oliver was a free spirit and when your mother found out she was pregnant, she wanted a more stable life than what he was prepared to give. They tried for nearly a year to get it to work but one night, one where you were in his care, he came home with you and was beaten, almost half dead after a run in with some of the usual trouble. He had managed to keep you safe and sound somehow, but your mother said she had enough. She wanted him to quit the business with her in order to keep you safe.”

 

“And he didn’t want to,” Dinah finished, figuring the rest out for herself as she looked from Barbara’s sad features to the album. Sighing as she looked at her parents, she said softly, "But didn't she keep fighting crime herself even after she said that?”

 

“At the time she wanted to quit,” replied Barbara, defending her former lover simply from sheer habit. How many times had she heard Dick or Bruce put Carolyn down? Tell her to stay away from her… that she was confused and needy, she’d only be hurt in the end. God, she knew they were right but she still went to her. She had to. “She kept in contact with him as long as she could, Dinah. Your mother never wanted him out of your life.”

 

Dropping her head and pushing the album off of her lap and onto the couch, Dinah murmured, “Thanks for showing me this, Barbara.”

 

“It’s yours now, if you want it,” said Barbara, watching with careful eyes as Dinah walked towards her room. Despite the fact that she had gone through this with Helena, she was worried if she was handling this right. With Carolyn gone and Oliver nowhere in sight, the task of taking care of Dinah now rested squarely on her shoulders. “I mean it.”

 

“Thanks,” Dinah said again in a breath of whisper before going into her room.

 

For several moments, Barbara stared at Dinah's closed bedroom door before she sighed and moved towards the album, quietly picking it up. Eyes falling on it as it opened to a page filled with evidence of their rarest and most joyful days. Pictures of her and Carolyn mock fighting with each other, tumbling on the gym floor in each others arms. If she closed her eyes she could still feel Carolyn’s body pressed against her own, her breath hot and sweet as she claimed her lips in a searing kiss.

 

“I love you,” Carolyn had said in that husky voice of hers and god help her, Barbara had never been happier than when she heard those words.

 

Staring down at the pictures of her former lover and allowing her gaze to linger as her fingertips lightly graced Carolyn’s features, Barbara murmured, “I’ll always love you, Carolyn.” She then closed the album with a sense of weariness and headed towards her own room. “I swear that I’ll take care of Dinah for you. Do what you have to.”

 

And in the far off shadows, distant enough to not be noticed but to still hear everything Barbara and Dinah said due to her metahuman senses, stood Helena with eyes slightly widened from Barbara’s confession. Eyes which soon turned hooded and veiled as her jaw tightened and she pushed off the wall to disappear into the New Gotham night.

 

---

 

Coffee with too much sugar, two pieces of cinnamon raisin bread toasted and covered with creamy not chunky peanut butter, and fresh slices of orange she peeled herself. A favorite breakfast of Barbara’s, one which she ate today while Helena observed from across the room, her expression closed off.

 

That breakfast was just one of seven that Helena knew to be Barbara’s favorite. She could name all of them in a minute if asked. In fact, she could name all of Barbara’s most favorite things. Her favorite music? Jazz. Her favorite color? Yellow. Her favorite place? Outside this damn clock tower looking over the city. Yes, she knew all of Barbara’s favorite things. But that wasn’t all she knew about her.

 

Helena knew that when Barbara was small she wanted to be like her father more than anything. Of course, that was when she wasn’t wishing to be an Olympic gymnast. That’s probably why she got along so well with Dick, since he himself was once a part of her childhood dreams of being in the spotlight and flying high in the sky. She knew that after the accident, when she wasn’t throwing herself into her work and trying her best to stop this cursed city from drowning in its own vice, she would lie in bed and cry for hours every night. Cry as quietly as she could for her lost legs, for her ability to act physically on her convictions, but always cry quietly... as to never disturb Helena.

 

Until recently, Helena thought she knew Barbara better than anyone. After all, that was how it was for her. No one could ever try to claim they knew Helena better than Barbara did. It shocked her realize that as close as she was with her mother, Barbara still knew her better than Selina. Perhaps because Helena didn’t tend to idolize Barbara as she had her mother. She loved Barbara just as much as Selina but she never placed her on that high pedestal. Barbara was far too real for such a thing. Bearing her soul to Helena in the early days and many occasions since then, crying with her and holding her tight.

 

Selina loved Helena endlessly, she knew that. She knew full well she was the most precious thing in the world to her mother. Selina had said and shown it enough that it would be impossible for her not to know that. Still, she had a sort of distance to her. A distance all parents have to some degree, Helena supposed. You can’t tell your children everything about yourself, after all. They are your children, your responsibility, your most loved and precious people, not your friends. There must be some distance in order for you to do what is ultimately best for them.

 

Because of that natural distance Helena was aware that Barbara held secrets to her heart that no one else ever would. Not even her mother, who had loved her better and more fully than anyone in this world. For a time, Helena thought she knew Barbara just as well, that they shared everything.

 

Then she heard those whispered words full of sadness and longing that just refused to stop ringing in her head. “I’ll always love you, Carolyn.”

 

It wasn’t the fact that Barbara had been with a woman that bothered Helena. Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, it gave her hope that maybe... just maybe she had a chance of making her most desperate dreams a reality. It was the fact that she hadn’t known about Carolyn. She was never mentioned to Helena, never.

 

Helena had heard about the comfort and safety of dating Dick Grayson, she heard about the horrors of her high school boyfriend Jake Nelson, she even heard about the little crush Barbara had at one time on either and both her parents. Not once had she heard a peep about Carolyn Lance. She knew they had worked together and with her father at a time, but Barbara hadn’t ever hinted that she was involved with her.

 

This left Helena to wonder what else she didn’t know about Barbara, the one person she thought she knew above all others. Trusted above all others. It was more than clear how much Barbara loved Carolyn, still loved her in fact. Helena could tell that from the tone of her voice when she spoke last night. It disturbed her that Carolyn could be that important to Barbara and somehow not be a topic of discussion between them.

 

Conversations of the past haunted Helena now, ones where the Black Canary’s name had come up and she could now recognize a sadness in Barbara’s blue gray eyes. It was a sadness that was always accompanied by an overwhelming silence as Barbara would dismiss any of Helena's questions of concern for her at the time. A thousand talks whirled in her mind and she wondered which were honest and which were false.

 

More than anything else, Helena hated deception. Her parents lives were based on this and it tore at her. That’s why she stayed far from even the idea of dating the clearly interested Reese. She could never let him know all of her and she wasn’t about to have a relationship like parents where only half truths were being shown. Either she would have it all or she would have nothing. Just a series of endless one night stands.

 

Barbara sometimes commented on them, saying Helena deserved more, how she wanted more for Helena than that but after a time she stopped. Apparently giving up on influencing the other woman in this arena. Helena herself knew that nothing would make her stop... nothing besides having Barbara.

 

Now it seemed she could have her, that Barbara was able to have more than just a mere crush on a woman, but a relationship with one as well, Helena wondered if Barbara was still what she wanted. After all, she no longer knew her as well as she thought. God. Just thinking this made Helena want to laugh out loud. Of course she still wanted Barbara.

 

Nothing short of death could stop that from happening, Helena realized. Only she wanted to resolve the issue of Carolyn before she even attempted to have Barbara as she desired. Totally and without hesitation. She had to know exactly what they were to each other, exactly what Carolyn was to Barbara. Something in her was drawn to it. And once she did know, then Helena would approach her.

 

Then maybe she would at last be happy.

 

---

 

When Helena was in a bad mood people tended to move heaven and earth to not have to deal with her. She only knew of three people who weren’t bothered one bit by her bad ass persona and would deal with her anyway. The first was Barbara, the second was her annoying shrink Dr. Quinzel, and the third... well, some would think it was her mother but remember, when her mother was alive Helena wasn’t a bad ass.

 

Yet.

 

Anyway, the third person, much to Helena’s chagrin, was Gibson, the owner of No Man’s Land Collectibles, the popular underground metahuman hang out. And it was him and him alone who was torturing her with endless questions about why was she so grumpy and what was going on and would she finally show him her leather bra?

 

With the last question Helena once again questioned her sanity about mentioning her leather under things to a man whose power was to remember everything he saw and heard down to the tiniest of details. Scowling and holding back the urge to punch him, since he was a good source for information, Helena downed her shot of Jack Daniels and gave him her best glare of death.

 

“Gibson,” Helena drawled his name out slowly and purposefully as she bored her steel blue eyes into him. “Do me a favor and shut up.”

 

“Why Huntress,” said Gibson with a gasp, pressing his hand delicately to his chest and batting his absurdly long eyelashes at her, “are you threatening me?” Leaping to his feet and clasping his hands as he bounded about, Gibson exclaimed, “I feel all a flutter. I simply cannot take it, you hunk of sexy leather machismo!”

 

Scowling deeper at the scene Gibson was causing and the laughs that were being spread throughout the club, Helena grabbed him by the collar and jerked him down so they were face to face. Tightening her grip, she felt her eyes burn slightly as she gave into her animalistic instincts, and grinned as he let loose a groan of discomfort. “I’m serious," she whispered in his ear. "So stop your screwing around.”

 

“I would if I wasn’t already lacking a sex life due to you denying me,” Gibson gasped, moving gratefully out of Helena’s hold and rubbing his neck. Frowning at her slightly, he asked, “What’s wrong with you today, Huntress? You’re not your usual sultry self.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong,” grumbled Helena, turning back to the bar and nodding to the bartender to give her another shot of JD. She was quiet for a long moment then taking the refilled shot glass in her hand, she said, “I need your help with some information.”

 

“Okay, shoot,” said Gibson with an easy shrug, sitting himself down next to her. Helena looked at him with some surprise and he smirked. “Hey, I’m not an idiot. I don’t feel like getting myself assaulted twice in a day. Even if it is by a lovely lady.”

 

Snorting at this remark, Helena drank her shot quickly then said, “I need information about the Black Canary and Batgirl. Not the crime fighting shit either... the real low down on them. What the word on the street was when they were operating.”

 

“Can I ask why?” Gibson said with such degree of concern that Helena looked at him with thinly veiled shock before forming a sad smile. At this reaction, Gibson grew even more concerned and nervous. “I mean, don’t go getting me wrong," he began as he waved his hands about, "I’ll ask around and score you the info no matter what...”

 

“It’s personal,” interrupted Helena softly. She didn’t say it unkindly or even in a deep manner to discourage further questions from Gibson. This caused him to regain that look of concern and she released a bark of laughter as she gave him a half smile. “Don’t get so worried,” Helena murmured, slinging an arm around his shoulder and pulling him in close. “It’s me, remember? I don’t do anything crazy. At least,” she laughed softly now and unwinding her arm from him, she rose to her feet, “I don't do anything that I know I won’t survive. Just... try and find the information for me.”

 

Walking away, she entered the elevator that led to the false storefront for No Man’s Land, and as she did, Helena met Gibson’s eyes in a solemn gaze. Watching as she disappeared upwards and out of his life, Gibson sighed mournfully then turned to his new bartender and remarked, “She’s never going to let me see her leather bra.”

 

---

 

"Okay, Helena. I have to say it."

 

Upon hearing these words, Helena turned to face their sometimes annoying speaker and promptly scowled. "What do you want, kid?" she grumbled at Dinah.

 

"Stalk much?" Dinah retorted in reply. Tilting her head to one side, she folded her arms across her chest and looked smug in the classic infuriating manner that only teenagers can manage to produce. "I should be asking you that since all day you've been peeping at us from a distance wearing your 'brooding here' expression."

"I'm not stalking you," said Helena, realizing all too late she had given her ever present sidekick ample ammunition to keep harassing her. Which, of course, Dinah did.

 

"Not stalking me, hmm?" murmured Dinah as she formed a thoroughly intrigued expression, observing the twitching Helena with increased interest. "Does that mean you're stalking someone else in this clock tower? Someone who's name starts with--"

 

"What can I say? Alfred is sexy for a man of his age," interrupted Helena dryly, pushing herself off the far wall and striding away from Dinah, who was already on the move in an attempt to chase after her. Too bad she was nowhere as fast as Helena.

 

Actually, it was too good in Helena's point of view. The last thing she wanted to do was discuss her current romantic woes about Barbara with the child of Barbara's former lover who was the cause of said woes in the first place. Ugh. She was already getting a head ache. Was love always this complicated?

 

If it was then it was good that Helena would be damned before she'd be with anyone besides Barbara. Strangely enough, she had decided long ago, precisely at her angsty teenage year of eighteen, that when it came to romantic relationships it was Barbara or nothing. Even then, she had known Barbara was the one she loved and would always love and that opinion had never changed. She had known because it was for Barbara.

 

Everything had been for Barbara back then. Months, god, years of going wild after her mother’s death and finding out the truth about her parents. Her mother’s late night jaunts suddenly made more and more sense to her. The strange knick knacks around their house, the endless cash flow she possessed. A rare arts dealer, yeah right. Why had she fallen for such a lie? Why, why, why, she shouted at herself.

 

Because she was her mother and she loved her, she trusted her. The woman who had kept her like a dirty secret from her father, the great Bruce Wayne, the powerful Batman. He who was admired and feared by countless numbers in the secret circles of the night. She was his lost little girl, hidden away from his all seeing eyes. How didn’t he know? It seemed from the stories that he knew everything... that nothing escaped him.

 

Perhaps he did know and he just didn’t care. That despite the murder of his own parents, he didn’t want such responsibilities to be thrust upon him. They would only complicate the path that he had set for himself. Helena often thought that was why her mother must have kept her secret. She wanted his brilliance, his genes, his power flowing through her blood in way of a child but she didn’t want to sacrifice her control over the situation. The power to raise that child in the manner in which she wanted.

 

Then she was murdered.

 

It seemed impossible, the sly and clever Catwoman dead? But as impossible as the notion was, that was the reality of the matter. Suddenly, Helena found herself wrapped up in the embrace of her mother’s closest friend who in her grief and guilt did what no one else would. She unraveled the web of lies and brought truth into the light.

 

What did that get her? Nothing but rage and resentment but she dealt with that and so much more. The loss of her legs, of her sense of self, everything she once was wiped away in a single moment and for the first time in her life Barbara didn’t know what to do. What her purpose was in the scheme of things or even if she was of use anymore.

 

Still Helena raged at her, ignoring all she was going through, caught up in her teenage rebellion and constant anger at her parents. For bringing her into this world, into such a perverse and twisted situation. She swore she would never do that. It was bad enough she was so weak that she couldn’t leave Barbara, that she sometimes sucked her into her world of darkness because she needed her so much.

 

Helena no longer knew what it was to be without Barbara. It wasn’t like she had some great calling to be a superhero. She didn’t even think it was all that cool, like Dinah did. If anything she thought it was a pointless and ultimately idiotic task. They didn’t get paid, they didn’t get thanks, they didn’t even get sexy groupies. Who cared if the city drowned in its own sin? You make your bed, you lie in it. She certainly did in the early morning.

 

Despite feeling this way almost every second of the day, Helena put on her coat, snapped on her choker, and went out to do the job when Barbara called for her. And why? What possible reason could she have?

 

“Are you leaving?” Barbara called absently to Helena when she reached the freight elevator to the clock tower. “Lets have dinner together tonight. If you show up close to on time I might even make you something with chocolate frosting.”

 

Unwilling to let herself get lost in Barbara’s eyes, as she would if she turned around, Helena kept her back facing the redhead and slowly entered the elevator. “Gourmet junk food ala Gordon, huh? That’s a new one,” replied Helena in teasing tones, while she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hold back the wave of affection she suddenly felt for Barbara. She loved her... she loved her so damn much. That was why she fought, she did it for Barbara. For her alone she would try to do what Barbara no longer could. “I’ll come home in time to eat all your goodies. I promise I’ll be back.”

 

This was said so softly that Barbara couldn’t help but wonder if she had imagined it. The last time she heard Helena say those words were shortly after she moved into the clock tower, when she was still acting out from her mother’s death. It was too late to pursue the subject though, because now Helena was gone and Dinah was standing at her side, frowning as she put her hands on her jean covered hips.

 

“I don’t know what’s with her lately,” commented Dinah, shaking her head. Releasing a puff of air and blowing her bangs upwards, she walked into the kitchen as she muttered, “Acting so superior when she’s the one stalking and staring at people.”

 

Looking from Dinah to where Helena had exited the tower, Barbara’s blue gray eyes narrowed and a frown tugged at her lips. Something was going on with Helena and for the first time in all of the years Barbara had known her, she didn’t have the slightest clue as to what precisely it was.

 

That concept didn’t settle well with her at all.

 

---

 

Harleen Quinzel loved playing the waiting game. She was truly a believer of the philosophy that good things came to those who waited. That’s why she was waiting and biding her time before she set loose hellfire and brimstone on the weakling populace of New Gotham who had caused her beloved Mr. J to be taken away.

 

It was also why she wore the smallest of smiles while she tapped her flawlessly manicured nails against her high priced chair and waited for Helena to begin talking. As a professional she wasn’t supposed to have favorites out of her patients but she would admit that Helena was one of her them. The woman had a darkness in her that Harleen admired... even desired to some degree. It did so remind her of her muffin, after all. That darkness kept Harleen from twisting and turning Helena as much as she did her usual mediocre patients who were nothing but a temporary cure to her perpetual boredom.

 

The rules of psychiatry said everything she was doing was wrong. That she was there to help them, to soothe them, to be their mommy and daddy and long lost cousin Sammy Jo with the ugly checkered dress. But Harleen was never one to follow the rules. They were such boring things. Always getting in her way and stopping her from having fun and really, what is life without fun? That’s what the Joker had always told her, anyway.

 

“How many people do you know, Doc?”

 

Lazily, she moved her eyes over to Helena who had her head tilted back, staring up at the ceiling as she often tended to do. Per usual, her leather clad legs were dangling over the chair she sat in with her booted feet swinging in the air ever so slightly. Wetting her lips just a tad, Harleen had to admit she did make a delectable sight.

 

“Well, lets see,” Harleen drew the words out as she arched a fine blonde eyebrow. Methodically she ticked off her blood red painted nails as she said, “I know the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker...”

 

“Funny,” snorted Helena, dropping her head and fixing her stare onto Harleen who rewarded the brunette with a quirky smile. “How’d you get them into that tub?”

 

“A rotten potato, of course,” replied Harleen smartly, crossing her legs primly and smoothing out her oh so expensive outfit while Helena observed her. If she knew the brunette then right about now she would admit to being amused by her antics.

 

Chuckling quietly, Helena sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “I’d keep staring at you if I was a fish, but I’d probably say I’m more of a cat if anything.”

 

Better a cat than a bat, thought Harleen viciously, a practiced smile already playing on her ruby red lips as she tilted her blonde head inquisitively to one side. “And how many people do you know, Helena?”

 

“None,” replied Helena in dead and empty tones. If anything, it was a complete lack of emotion that Harleen was sensing from her. Something that interested her, she had to admit. The only person she knew who was close to being like that was Mr. J and if this woman held but a small bit of his similar brilliance, she would be useful indeed. “When I say know I mean really know someone, Doc. Not a person you talk to and share coffee with at lunch or even someone that you have sex with. I mean someone that you know all about, every part of them. There’s not one secret between you and it’s fine. You’re at peace with that and with them whenever you’re together.”

 

Studying her nails carefully, Harleen had to give Helena credit. She, more than any of her patients, brought up the most intelligent and discussion worthy topics. Her thoughts drifted to Mr. J at Helena’s words and she murmured, “I knew someone like that once.”

 

Instead of responding, Helena simply looked Harleen’s way, her steel blue eyes dark and questioning in their solemnity. She was always talented at asking things without use of words. Perhaps that was why Harleen liked her so. More than anything, she despised mindless chatter. People talking simply to talk. Helena wasn’t like that, she spoke only when she truly had something to say and Harleen respected that.

 

“He was taken from me,” Harleen said finally, evenly meeting Helena’s gaze. “And I do admit that sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get him back.”

 

Harleen let just a hint of her rage rise to the surface because she knew that the other woman would not only appreciate but acknowledge the strength in the action. Together they formed hinted smiles, eyes glinting with a secret knowledge only they and a few others held. Nothing was more freeing, more powerful, than total loss of emotional control. To lose yourself in a moment of rage or passion, that truly was bliss.

 

“What about you, Helena?” asked Harleen, tilting her head slightly and eyeing her companion with a lazy and lidded gaze. A slow smile played over her red lips and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and peering at her subject. “Do you know someone like that?”

 

“I thought I did,” said Helena, her voice was void of emotion once more. Staring out the window, she was drawn to her feet, as if under some sort of spell as she walked to the glass, pressing her hand up against it and shivering at the cool feel of its touch. The city was so alive in the darkness, full of flickering lights and movement. It would almost be beautiful if she didn’t know the evil that lurked beneath it all. “If I don’t know them but they know me, does it still count?”

 

Studying Helena long and hard, Harleen absently tapped her chin with a manicured nail that gleamed in the lights of her office and wondered what to do. To begin it now? A twist of her mind, a ripping of her soul, to start the final undoing in Helena’s battle of morals? One tug to unravel it all and ruin that single pesky thing which held her back.

 

A shrill beep sounded in the air and glancing at her rolex, Harleen sighed. There just wasn’t enough time in the day. It was a pity, she was looking forward to causing that first chink in Helena’s thin armor of restraint. Ah well, maybe next week. She did have a meeting to keep with the lovely guild of assassins she had just found.

 

“It counts if you want it to,” Harleen answered, smiling hesitantly at Helena when the brunette turned to face her. Eyeing her patient carefully as to know just what buttons to push next time, she said quietly, “The question is: do you want it to count?”

 

The only response she got was a small flicker of emotion in steel blue eyes before they darkened and Helena returned to her silent vigil over the city. Only moving to rest her forehead against the cool glass and gaze down at everything she was supposed to be protecting as she thought of the reason why.

 

---

 

Watching Barbara through the glass of the clock tower, Dinah looked back at the empty and unmoving freight elevator and sighed. Why was Helena such a jerk? I mean, yeah, she was an unbelievably cool and sexy jerk but she was still a jerk, nevertheless.

 

It hadn't taken very long for Dinah to get over her crush on Helena. In fact, all it had taken was a week of actually living with her when the brunette's apartment building underwent some construction. Personally, Dinah didn't know how in the world Barbara had survived with Helena's mood swings and strangely childish personality.

 

What sort of superhero pouts over you eating their box of poptarts and yells at you for borrowing their skirt? Yes, Helena's personality had helped in getting rid of the crush but what had really done it was the fact that she knew Helena's biggest secret. The secret of her loving Barbara, loving her desperately, in fact. Telepathic powers or not, Dinah could see that quite clearly and part of her wondered how Barbara couldn't. How she couldn't know that almost everything the brunette did was because of her.

 

All Barbara wanted, from what Dinah could tell, was for Helena to open up to her. But Helena never would because at the same time, Barbara wouldn't do the same thing for her. So they held back from pushing each other and they held back so much that Dinah thought they might never get together because of this. Which was why she sometimes felt the oddest urge to play matchmaker with her two guardians.

 

Then she remembered what Helena would do to her if she tried any such thing and the impulse quickly faded and she returned to her usual somber observation of them. With another sigh, she walked outside the clock tower, standing next to Barbara whose hair was blowing loose in the wind as she looked over the city with a wistful expression.

 

"I miss it sometimes," said Barbara quietly, pushing a lock of hair out of her face and adjusting her glasses. Laughing now, she shook her head and said wryly, "I miss it more often than that, actually. Running over the rooftops, jumping through the air, doing it just perfectly so for that single moment it seems as if you're flying."

 

"You miss the freedom," Dinah supplied, studying Barbara who started at her words. Smiling at the other woman, Dinah continued, "Something I like about my powers is it helps me have so much empathy for people. It… helps to understand."

 

"To not hate them for everything they do wrong," said Barbara knowingly, thinking back to the few stories Dinah had told of her old life in Opal.

 

The pain that being a teenager is one that never changes from one youth to the next but the degree of it certainly does. And Barbara could only imagine how horrible it must have seemed for Dinah. As she thought of Carolyn, she wondered at the guilt she must have felt upon discovering Dinah's life in that small town. It must have been unbearable.

 

"Yeah, there's that," Dinah admitted with a grimace. Wringing her hands, she looked at the twinkling lights of New Gotham and debated on whether or not to say it. Then she decided to just give into impulse and go for it. She was with Barbara, after all, and there was very little she didn't feel comfortable telling the redhead already. "It also helps me understand why people act they way they do."

 

"Dinah?" asked Barbara slowly, looking up at the girl, her expression concerned. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

 

"I know you care about Helena. Care about her a lot," began Dinah in halting tones, thinking that this probably wasn't such a good idea. "I just… I just want you to know that she cares about you too. More than anybody. I know because I saw it."

 

"You saw it?" echoed Barbara, forming a frown.

 

"I didn't mean to!" Dinah exclaimed, turning around to face Barbara with wide and panicked blue eyes. "When we first met in the alley, I touched her and I saw so much about her, Barbara. The fun times in her childhood with her mother, that time you took her to the zoo when she was ten, her mother's murder and…"

 

Dinah trailed off, blinking back the tears and squeezing her eyes shut. Maybe she should've kept quiet, after all. They would figure things out eventually anyway. She had to think that they would, they truly did love each other so very much.

 

"Dinah?" Barbara whispered her name again, moving closer to the girl, clasping her arm gently and rubbing it in a comforting movement. "What is it?"

 

No matter how many years she dealt with her powers, Dinah knew she would never be able to escape the voices roaring in her mind. Every person whose life flashed before her eyes and into her very being, would remain with her until she died. She remembered all of them, every last one, and she knew that she always would.

 

Katie Jefferies, her best friend when she was eight. When she was five, she wore a pretty yellow dress with a white ribbon in her hair on her birthday. She tried to look like a princess for her daddy but despite this, it was the day he left them, dying of cancer.

 

Mike Lewis, the handsome high school quarterback who picked on her nonstop and at times made her wish she was dead. His father never spoke to him, never looked him in the eye, and he knew the reason was because he looked nothing like his brothers and sisters. It was the same reason his mother never left the house alone anymore.

 

Mrs. West, her homeroom teacher and the most popular member of the staff, someone who made her feel at ease. She wanted out of their small town more than anything but it was a lost dream to her because she had gotten pregnant. So of course she had to get married to her boyfriend and have his child, even though sometimes she had the most horrible sinking suspicion that she didn't really love either of them.

 

Then there was Helena Kyle. Her entire life had been a lie, who her parents were was nothing but smoke and mirrors, and she had never known anyone… not really. But there was one who stood out in her mind, a person she loved and trusted above all others. The person she would do anything for, no matter what was asked of her.

 

Barbara Gordon was Helena Kyle's life as far as she was concerned and looking into worried blue gray eyes in front of her, Dinah wondered if that was healthy. Whether it was or not, it wasn't up to her. They would have to work it out for themselves.

 

"Nothing," said Dinah, pulling away from Barbara and shaking her head. Looking back over the city and losing herself to the mesmerizing blink of lights, she murmured, "I just hope Helena comes back soon, that's all."

 

Studying Dinah's profile for a long moment before deciding that the teenager would tell her when and if the time was right, Barbara replied, "Me too."

 

---

 

As strange as it may sound, sometimes Helena reminded Barbara of a squirrel in the winter with the way she stored and hid away massive amounts of junk food in the clock tower. Currently, Helena was standing on a precariously shaking stool as she scrounged around for something on the top of their highest shelf. Only when the brunette was safely standing on her two feet and she heard the crinkle of a wrapper opening did Barbara feel the need to speak.

 

“Didn’t you want any of my dinner?” asked Barbara, wearing a hint of a smile.

 

Whirling around so fast that she was soon teetering on the stool, Helena grabbed the pantry with her left hand, thus squishing the twinkie she was holding in the process. “You still have some left?” Helena responded, looking altogether sheepish.

 

“For you? Always,” said Barbara, moving towards the refrigerator and pulling out a box of Chinese take out before going to the pantry and producing some chocolate poptarts. “I promised you I’d make something with chocolate frosting, didn’t I?”

 

Hopping down from the stool with an audible thump of her boots, Helena aimlessly licked the twinkie from her hand and peered at Barbara with dark eyes. “Yeah,” she said as she bore her gaze into the redhead, “you did.” They held their eyes for a moment then Helena looked towards the food and said, “Cooked this yourself, huh?”

 

“If I did the boxes would be burnt,” Barbara said with dry humor, spooning some of the Chinese food onto a plate and putting it into the microwave.

 

While she did this, Helena put the poptarts into the toaster and leaned against the counter. She loved watching Barbara, even in her chair she was so graceful in how she moved. When Barbara turned to face her and held out a glass of soda, she took it with a smile and tilted her head as she said, “So what’re you doing up so late? Don’t you have to wake up early to teach unappreciative teenagers?”

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” said Barbara quite honestly, retrieving the food from the microwave as the timer sounded. Heading towards the kitchen table, she found Helena busy munching on a chocolate poptart and giving Barbara an innocent look. “You always had to eat your dessert first ever since you were little. Why is that?”

 

"I don't like waiting to get to the good stuff," Helena answered impishly, her blue eyes sparkling as she grinned at Barbara who rolled her eyes at this. “I rather have it first to make the entire meal eating process go downhill.”

 

“And here I thought you were the type who likes getting rewarded,” remarked Barbara, watching as Helena dove into eating, shoving a huge amount of food into her mouth. “Go slower, Helena,” she chided as amusement unwillingly entered her voice, “at the pace you eat I’m surprised you’ve never choked.”

 

“If I did, you’d save me,” mumbled Helena around a mouthful of food. She grinned at Barbara who sighed and pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Aw,” Helena chuckled, looking hurt as she set her fork down, “are you saying that you wouldn’t?”

 

“You know I would do that and a lot more for you,” said Barbara in quiet and serious tones as her blue gray eyes solemnly observed the other woman. She watched Helena for a few more moments, noticing the slight uncomfortable stance in her body language and wondering what was the cause of it. “Helena...”

 

Even though she knew she shouldn’t, that she should make up some excuse and leave the clock tower before this conversation even got started, Helena found herself saying in a soft and unfamiliar voice, “Yeah?”

 

“What’s wrong?” Barbara asked finally, deciding it was simply better to just ask instead of dancing around the issue. Being forthright and honest was always best when it came to Helena anyway. The brunette couldn’t stand deception of any sort from people she trusted. Which put Barbara in the select company of a very small number of individuals. “You’ve been distracted lately and it isn’t like you. Can’t you tell me why?”

 

Steel blue eyes rested on her, calmly meeting her gaze and Barbara felt herself unconsciously shiver from the power it exuded. Despite having known Helena for so long, she sometimes found herself disarmed by the strength the brunette held. It was different than anyone she had ever known.

 

Helena’s stoic nature came from Bruce, she was sure, but as intimidating as Barbara’s mentor often was, his presence was a vast reach away from Helena’s. He was hard and he was flinty, his voice a low gravel of a growl, sending fear into any criminals who heard it but at the same time it was distant... cool and controlled. The urge to give into the darkness that lurked inside him, always restrained underneath the surface.

 

Certainly Helena reminded her of Selina, it was be ridiculous if she didn’t. Mother and daughter shared the same feline sensuality and power of seduction. They oozed of raw and powerful sexuality that attracted men and women alike. Despite that, Selina never held that edge of true danger to her. Catwoman wasn’t a murderer, she was the most skilled thief in the business, calculating to say the least but with her you always knew where you stood. Her values and morals, or lack thereof, never wavered.

 

Then there was Carolyn, who hid her worries and insecurities behind a mask of overconfidence and focus on the job that had to be done. Once she was in superhero mode nothing took her out of it. Nothing except a threat to those she held dear would cause her to abandon the beliefs she kept so close to her heart.

 

All of them reminded Barbara of Helena somehow but she was so very different from them. There was Bruce’s darkness, Selina’s sexuality and ambiguous morals, then in an odd twist of fate, there was Carolyn’s front of unshakable confidence. Perhaps it was because of all these things that even now Barbara found herself lost when it came to what Helena was feeling at times. She was still an enigma, even after so long.

 

"It's nothing," said Helena after a long moment, returning to eating her food. "Therapy is messing with me, I guess." Lifting the fork to her mouth, Helena smirked then said, "My head's just not meant for shrinking."

 

Maybe it really was therapy that was bothering Helena. It was possible, after all. She had been acting different ever since she began going there without the court order making her. Despite that very real possibility something told Barbara that wasn't it. That there was some other problem lurking beneath the surface. One that she should know about but for whatever reason didn't.

 

Sighing softly, Barbara moved her chair past Helena, stopping slightly behind her, and decided to get her sleep for the night and use tomorrow to figure out what was bothering the brunette now. Out of habitual affection, her fingers slipped into the short and thick hair, rubbing Helena's scalp as she felt the other woman relax as she always did.

 

"It isn't nothing," murmured Barbara, her fingers slipping down to massage the tense muscles at the base of Helena's neck. Whatever it was, it had Helena tied up in knots. "I hoped you already knew this but whatever is going on… you can tell me about it. There isn't anything that would make me stop caring about you, Helena."

 

With that, Barbara's fingers disappeared from Helena's skin, leaving in their wake a burning trail of desire as Helena squeezed her eyes shut and felt the fork bending and twisting under the strength of her fist. Only when she was safely alone did she open her eyes and look at the mangled mess the fork in her hand had become and wondered if her heart looked the same way.

 

---

 

"Where is he?" said Helena bluntly as she leaned up against the bar to No Man's Land and gave Gibson a stern look.

 

"How are you, Gibson? I'm fine, what about you? Oh, I'm feeling incredibly rude tonight but that's pretty normal for me. I'd have to agree, Huntress," Gibson stopped having the fake conversation with himself to reward Helena with his best smile. Turning around to pour a shot of Jack Daniels, he handed the glass to Helena. "I think that's what you meant to say to me, isn't it?"

 

Steel blue eyes narrowed and Helena grabbed the shot from Gibson, swallowing it in a smooth movement and slamming the glass onto the bar, making it shake slightly. Moving close so their faces where just millimeters apart, she growled, "No. I meant to say where the hell is he, Gibson? If you don't tell me now you'll be missing internal organs."

 

"I think I liked the first version better," commented Gibson thoughtfully. Sighing as he looked at Helena's deepening scowl, he nodded towards a man sitting on the far side of the room dressed rather shabbily and in desperate need of a shave. "That's the guy. He goes by the name Caesar. I'm afraid he doesn't have a whole lot to say but he's all that I could get. Most of the people who ran with Hawke at that time are either long dead, in prison, or refusing to set foot in Gotham ever again."

 

"How much do I owe you?" asked Helena, levelly meeting Gibson's gaze. When he formed a surprised expression, she released an exasperated groan. "If he was working for Hawke I know that he didn't come here out of the goodness of his heart. How much did you pay him? I'll get you the money back by the end of the night."

 

Looking from Helena to Caesar then back again, Gibson shook his head and said reluctantly, "Ten grand. But there's no rush on it, I trust you, Huntress."

 

"By tonight," Helena repeated with a nod, rising to her feet and grabbing the nearby bottle of whiskey then heading towards the table where Caesar sat. Sitting down in the chair across from the man, Helena smiled and raised up the bottle. "Want a drink?"

 

"Can't hurt," said Caesar, his grizzled face forming a grin as he took the bottle from Helena and took a long drink. Setting it down with a solid thunk, his brown eyes rested on her lazily and he said, "So I hear you wanna know the goods on the Batchick and Miss Tweety." Chuckling softly, he dragged his eyes across the room. "I always wished I was like you people, y'know? I could do so much with any sorta power…" Caesar put his gaze back on Helena who watched him calmly. "Batchick didn't have powers though. I guess she just had a pair on her, that's all. Had to with who she ran with."

 

"You worked for Hawke when Black Canary infiltrated the family?" asked Helena, taking the bottle back and taking a long drink herself. She handed it back to Caesar who raised an eyebrow appreciatively at her display. "Is that where your information is from?"

 

"That and something else," said Caesar. With a sigh, he pulled the bottle towards him, took a drink and began peeling at the label. "Boss Hawke was hurt bad by it all. I guess the jerk figured he was in love with Tweety or something." Snorting at this, Caesar shook his head and said, "I was never high up in the organization but even I could tell she was nothing but trouble and that was before we found out she wore tights. Still, he didn't want to give up on her. Kept saying she'd turn around, that she'd realize she was making a mistake and come back to him." Lifting his gaze as he crinkled the label in his hand, Caesar muttered, "He was damn near obsessed."

 

"He had you follow her," said Helena, her eyes burning into his at this knowledge.

 

Smirking now, Caesar lifted the bottle to her and replied, "You got it. I tailed her, I bugged her place, I even watched her fix her kid dinner. I saw it all and reported it back to the Big Man who was wasting away in the slammer because of her." Taking a drink, he laughed and said, "I'm not good at much but I'm a damn good sneak. It's always been my specialty. That's why I never got far up, they were afraid I'd see too much and rat." Shrugging, he set the bottle down and continued, "But Boss Hawke was willing to pay me real good for following Tweety so I kept my mouth shut and did what he said."

 

"He had you plant the bomb," said Helena, her eyes narrowing as she recalled what Dinah had told her about her mother's reasons for leaving. "Once he found out about her relationship with Batgirl..."

 

"Yeah, he was with that whole if I can't have her, nobody else can deal," Caesar drawled, forming a slow and sardonic smile. "Thing backfired on him though. Miss Tweety found the bomb and skirted outta town. Without her around for him to torture the Boss Man lost his drive. He just gave up on things, said nothing mattered anymore."

 

"And he killed himself," finished Helena, leaning back in her chair. All the pieces fell into place and now she knew… she knew that if it wasn't for the obsession of a madman then Barbara would've been happy. Would be happy and maybe…

 

God, maybe she would be walking.

 

"Funny thing," said Caesar in oddly contemplative tones, peering up at the ceiling as he spoke. "I tracked her for months, y'know? Hard not to get to know a person after all that. I sorta liked the bird… she was spunky and nice. Real nice. Even when she'd fight with the Batchick, I could tell it wasn't for real. She cared about her and the kid, more than my shit parents did for me." Drawing his gaze to Helena, he said, "I'm guess you could say I'm sorta glad she and her kid made it out."

 

"I guess you haven't heard," said Helena as she rose to her feet, looming over Caesar in height as well as presence, "Black Canary is dead. Al Hawke killed her out of revenge."

 

Taking the whiskey bottle in his hand, Caesar snorted and had a drink. An arrogant smile pulling at his cracked lips, he then said, "And I guess you didn't hear me before. I followed her for months, almost a fucking a year, I know this lady inside and out. If you think for a second some explosion wasted her, think again." Standing up, he matched Helena's gaze then leaned close, his breath stinking of alcohol and cigarettes, and said in low tones, "Until you find a body, she ain't dead."

 

Freezing at these words, Helena was stiff as Caesar's heavy hand patted her shoulder roughly and he thanked her for the drink then left. She stood there for several moments until she felt Gibson's presence and turned to meet his worried gaze.

 

"Huntress?" asked Gibson slowly, reaching out to her.

 

"I'll bring your money later," Helena interrupted, waking up from her daze. She started to walk away but Gibson grabbed her arm and she looked at him, expression hard. "Just let go and I'll forget about this."

 

"You shouldn't run away," said Gibson quietly, "no matter what he told you."

 

"And you should mind your own business," growled Helena, shaking his hand off and stalking out of No Man's Land. Entering the elevator, she met his eyes briefly before she rose upwards and out of sight. Later that night, Gibson felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find a bag full of money but he never saw who left it.

Even though he knew very well who it was.

 

---

 

Getting a phone call from Gibson was never a good thing. No Man's Land had been a refuge for Helena since her late teens and now it was as much the same for Dinah. This meant that getting a call from Gibson signified, for the most part, a problem going on with some of the people she loved most in this world.

 

Barbara was never pleased with that. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased when Gibson called her saying that Helena had just been in No Man's to have a meeting with an informant he found and was feeling…

 

What did he call it again? Ah yes, she remembered. Darker than usual. Which for Helena was pretty damn dark. At times Barbara thought Helena could compete against her father for the broodiest person on the planet award. The only reason she figured her win to be impossible was the fact that Helena tended to hide her pain and brooding tendencies behind a mask of sexual innuendo. That was something Bruce would never do, making it clear the trait was definitely something Helena inherited from her mother.

 

Despite all this, the question remained who was this informant Helena was meeting with? Barbara hadn't sent Helena on any assignments in the past few days as nothing with their mysterious big bad had been happening. All she'd done was the routine patrols of the city, beating up and capturing the riff raff of criminals.

 

None of that equaled to meeting an informant. Which meant that Helena was doing something on her own. A mission that she, for whatever reason, didn't want Barbara involved with. The very idea of this unsettled Barbara more than she wanted to say. It seemed like she had been working with Helena forever even though it was only a few years. There was an ease to their relationship, an unshakable trust, that Barbara had come to rely on and to find out that Helena was operating without her…

 

It made her, for the second time in her life, doubt her worth.

 

Logically she knew that her brains were worth a million times more than her body but in their line of business having both was ideal. When Barbara first found herself paralyzed she tried not to wallow in self doubt and pity, focusing instead on helping Helena through her grief. That was always her way, after all. She learned from her father that in times of pain to bury yourself in work and distractions helps numb the hurt.

 

They both did as much when her mother died and she did the same when the Joker shot her. Barbara buried herself in her new work as the Oracle and as Helena's guardian. The helplessness and fear only sunk in at night where she would cry an hour each night.

 

That was the one sign of weakness she allowed herself and she made sure to never show any others in Helena's presence. She had to be strong for her, to ease her own pain and fears, let her regain confidence that someone would always be there for her, that she could trust Barbara no matter what.

 

And she thought she succeeded at that. Even if their relationships had its bumps and bruises slowly Helena would come to Barbara time and time again with the truth of what she was feeling. She let Barbara in where no one else dared to go and that helped the redhead so much… more than she could ever say.

 

After all she had been through, the self disgust and useless feelings, to know she was truly needed kept her going. You could say that Barbara needed Helena far more than Helena needed her simply because Helena helped justify her new existence.

 

Now she heard that just might not be true and the idea crushed her. She had Dinah to care for. Yes, that was true but Dinah…

 

Dinah wasn't Helena and she never could be. Barbara didn't know why, or perhaps she did, unconsciously at least, she always wanted Helena to need her. Why Helena was the one Barbara wanted to be there for the most, why Helena was the one she wanted to be the closest to, or why Helena simply was the one she wanted.

 

---

 

The raid at Noir was supposed to be a fairly simple one. At exactly two a.m. the team assembled, blocked off all possible exits along with the roads, and raided the club. For extra safety, they had several undercover agents inside the club already.

 

As far as raids went, this was a successful one, Reese supposed. It was clean, it was organized, and it was safe. No shots were fired and relatively few struggles went on and when they did, it was with the people who deserved it. The ones they were after, drug dealers preying on the ultra trendy, ever rich, club inhabitants.

 

Noir was especially infamous in New Gotham, well known for it's blazing hot DJs, even hotter club patrons, and plush interior made for sex along with other delights. They had been dying since the day it opened to get inside the club and make a bust but it had taken months of research and investigation to get the operation going.

 

Now the fateful day had arrived and all was well. At least, it had been going well for Reese until he led his team into the belly of the club, where it was said most of the real action went on. When he first saw her… the shock of thick brown hair, naked back bared to him, he hadn't recognized her. It was dark and she was…

 

Well, as little as he honestly did know her, Huntress still didn't seem to be herself. Shouting out his police identification, he watched in fascination as the muscles in her back tensed before she slowly turned to face him with a quirky grin tugging on her lips. The black leather bra was more decorative than practical, revealing her bronzed skin which contrasted the lingerie to perfection. Arching an eyebrow, the Huntress slowly wrapped an arm around her companion's waist, a lithe redhead whose lips were bruised from kissing and looked as if she was aching for more, then leaned against her body.

 

"The good detective," Huntress drawled, her steel blue eyes glinting with interest. Wetting her lips, she tilted her head and observed the chaos going on in the hallway outside of what had been her private room. "For what do I owe the pleasure?"

 

"This is a raid," said Reese with a frown, unable to stop his brow from furrowing. What was going on here? No… what was going on, that was more than obvious. But somehow this whole scenario didn't sit right with him. It didn't suit her, despite the bad girl image. "I should be asking you that question."

 

"I'm having a little bit of fun," replied Huntress smoothly, looking over at the redhead who met her gaze wantonly and pressed closer to her. "Isn't that right, baby?"

 

Frowning deeper, Reese glanced back at the hallway and his fellow officers rushing past. Shaking his head, he looked to the Huntress who appeared to be in the works of starting another kiss with the redhead. "Look," he said with some exasperation, "I don't want to know why you're here. Just get out. I'll ask some other time."

 

"Oh really?" Huntress quirked her eyebrow again in speculation, already taking her companion's hand and leading her to the door. Pausing in front of Reese, she traced her finger over the hard line of his jaw and leaned in, breathing into his ear as she said, "I can't wait to give you my answer… Detective."

 

Then she pulled away with so much feline grace and was gone. Disappeared into the night with whoever her redheaded friend was and Reese was left wondering whether or not he had made the right decision in letting her go.

 

And in assuming she had ever been remotely attracted to him.

 

---

 

“It’s Barbara again,” the redhead paused in her speech to frown and stare up at her massive computer monitors before sighing. “If you have time could you stop by the clock tower tonight? I’ll make you something with chocolate frosting again, if you do. And even try not to burn it.” Chuckling quietly, Barbara then closed her eyes and said more softly into the phone, almost pleading in her tone, “Helena... I know something is going on with you. I just wish you would tell me what it is. All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. That will never change, no matter what else happens in our lives.”

 

Disconnecting the line and pulling the combination earpiece/microphone away from her face, Barbara turned around to see Dinah looking at her with a worried expression. With a wry smile, Barbara shrugged her shoulders and said, “Still not home. I think she must have had another very late work night.”

 

“Don’t worry about Helena,” said Dinah as she adjusted the backpack over her shoulder and studied Barbara with lidded blue eyes. “She’ll tell you what’s bothering her soon.”

 

Frowning slightly, Barbara looked up at Dinah. “How do you know that?” she asked slowly. “Dinah, you haven’t been reading Helena, have you?”

 

“No! Not since that night,” replied Dinah hastily, shaking her head with emphasis. Averting her eyes from Barbara’s, she looked out the large windows to the clock tower and said, “I just know how she feels... it can be scary sometimes.”

 

“What can be?” asked Barbara with honest confusion. At this point, she had absolutely no idea what was going on with Helena and that honestly bothered her. She thought she knew everything about the brunette but apparently, she was now being proven wrong.

 

“Loving someone,” Dinah said, looking Barbara directly in the eyes, her attention never wavering and her heart beating out of control. God, should she even be doing this? They needed all the help they could get, that was true but meddling in affairs of the heart, that was never a good thing. Besides, it wasn’t like she had all that much experience herself. The only thing she had over Helena and Barbara was the fact that she, unlike them, was not blind as a bat when it came to her own emotional status. “It gets scary because soon you find out you can’t control it at all and you start to wonder if everything else will be like that for you. If the whole world will spin out of control just because...” Trailing off, Dinah thought long and hard whether or not she really wanted to say this. Finally deciding she had come this far already, she might as well finish it, she faced Barbara then said, “Just because you’re in love with them.”

 

“Dinah,” whispered Barbara as her eyes went wide, “what--“

 

“Make sure you talk with her tonight,” interrupted Dinah, really not wanting to talk about this any further, already wondering if she had done the right thing. “For both your sakes.”

 

Watching as Dinah headed towards the freight elevator and out of the clock tower, Barbara slowly followed after her. She was the girl’s ride to school, after all. But during the drive to school and even the entire school day itself, Barbara found her mind constantly returning to Dinah’s words that morning and what they meant. For not only herself but Helena as well and their future at that.

 

---

 

Shifting her eyes, Helena scanned the clock tower and was pleased to find it empty as she had wanted it. Quickly striding over to Delphi, she grabbed a nearby chair then sat at the nearest terminal and hurriedly began using what little computer knowledge she picked up from Barbara. As much as she loved the redhead, there was nothing she dreaded more than getting herself sucked into one of her long winded explanations on how her precious computers worked.

 

If Barbara wasn’t utterly cool in so many other areas, Helena might accuse her of being a complete and total computer nerd. Then again, maybe it was the perfect description. If anyone could pull off being a cool computer nerd, it would be Barbara.

 

Finally slipping into the massive database that Barbara had compiled on the various heroes, vigilantes, and villains who existed in the night, Helena started up a search on the Black Canary. Scanning the latest articles Barbara had saved that detailed the night of the explosion and Al Hawke’s kidnapping attempt, Helena frowned as she found the police hadn’t discovered any female remains. Sure, there were the bodies of the unlucky men working for Hawke that night but no one who would fit Carolyn’s body type.

 

Looking at the articles, Helena clenched her jaw and her eyes narrowed into slits as she realized something very significant. There was no way that Barbara could’ve read these and not know that Carolyn wasn’t dead. Suddenly the words she heard that night made so much more sense. They returned to Helena now, haunting her, echoing in her head.

 

“I’ll always love you, Carolyn.”

“I swear that I’ll take care of Dinah for you. Do what you have to.”

 

Carolyn Lance wasn’t dead at all. She had run off again, as she had done before, run from Barbara, run from Dinah, thinking that by doing so she was protecting them both but in reality all she was doing was hurting them even more. Rage filled her system and Helena clenched her hands tight, fingernails digging into the palms of her hand as she restrained the urge to smash Barbara’s million dollar computer set up.

 

How could she do that to Barbara? To Dinah? Rising to her feet with determination, Helena vowed she wouldn’t get away with it. If it took every last one of her resources and intimidation efforts, she would find out where Carolyn disappeared to. No way was she going to get away with hurting two of the people Helena loved most.

 

She started to move only to stop when she brushed up against the huge computer table, causing one of Barbara’s aimlessly located sweaters to fall to the ground. Leaning down to slowly pick it up, Helena pressed it against her face, reveling in the soft feel of the fabric and the sweet smell of Barbara’s scent that covered it.

 

This was all for Barbara, wasn’t it? She loved Carolyn, really loved her, and how could she live with herself if she knew what was making her so unhappy and did nothing to fix it? Especially after all Barbara had done for her. God... yes, she loved Barbara and yes, the last thing she wanted was to have Barbara taken away from her by Carolyn but it wasn’t like she had much chance now. Not with Barbara’s real love alive.

 

But how could she do it...

 

How could she take that chance away from herself. Helena didn’t know if she could honestly do that. Even as slim as it was, with Carolyn gone she still had it. Growing up as she had and with her mother as an influence, Helena was hardly the most unselfish person on the planet. She did so much for this damned city, why couldn’t she have this one meager bit of happiness? What did it matter in the end? Carolyn chose to leave, to fake her death, to run from those who loved her most. She left the situation open for Helena to swoop in and steal Barbara away. So what if Barbara still loved her?

 

Listlessly, Helena’s arm fell away from her face, hand dropping the sweater out of her hands to land on the floor before Helena sunk down there with it. Looking down at the sweater for a long moment, she pressed it to her face, seeking the comfort it provided as a reminder of Barbara, she knew what she had to do. As stupid as it sounded, as painful as it was, she just had to find Carolyn Lance and return her to New Gotham.

 

It was no good, having Barbara’s love that way. Like some sort of consolation prize because she couldn’t have the real thing. Helena knew she could never be happy with that sort of life and besides, she couldn’t do that to Dinah. Although she might deny it, Helena knew she missed her mother desperately and longed for the chance to start over with her that had been stolen from her that night.

 

“Miss Helena?”

 

Stiffening at these words, despite loving their owner greatly, Helena sighed. Then looking up at Alfred, she gave him a wisp of a smile and said in rough and husky tones, “I don’t suppose that you would believe me if I said I’m just having really bad PMS?”

 

“Being that I already know which times of what months that you become more cantankerous than usual, no, I do say that will not work,” said Alfred kindly as he leaned down to offer Helena a hand. When she rose to her feet and met his eyes sheepishly, he asked, “What troubles you so?”

 

“It’s nothing,” said Helena, pulling back slightly and shaking her head. Already feeling stupid for letting someone catch her in such an emotional moment. She might enjoy the loss of control, the total freedom and scare that fighting leant her but she hardly liked it when it came to her personal life. That she liked to be tightly restrained. “I promise.”

 

Tilting his head slightly, Alfred caught sight of the articles Helena still had running about the explosion and put two and two together. “This is about Miss Carolyn,” he said wisely. “I do find that I agree with you and her choosing to leave us again is saddening.”

 

“You know?” asked Helena with barely covered shock. Looking back at the screens then to Alfred, she said, “Did Barbara tell you?”

 

“Miss Barbara would never say such a thing,” murmured Alfred, moving around Helena to wisely remove the images from the monitors. The last thing they needed was Barbara returning home to find this on her computers. “She keeps the secrets of her heart close to her, guarded under lock and key. I am simply... adept at observation.”

 

“Why did she leave, Alfred?” asked Helena, swallowing deeply. “If I was her, no matter what was going on... I’d never leave Barbara like that. Not two times. And no way would I leave a kid like Dinah after finding her again.”

 

“Miss Carolyn is doing what she feels is best,” Alfred murmured, trying to make sense of it himself. Perhaps only knowing why such a thing would be done thanks to Bruce’s own disappearance. “She wants to protect Miss Barbara and Dinah.”

 

“She’s only hurting them more,” replied Helena gruffly. Looking at him, she said solemnly, “Y’know I’m going to bring her back. I can’t let things be this way. Not after finding out how much she means to Barbara.”

 

“You also mean a great deal to Miss Barbara,” reminded Alfred gently. “Perhaps you should remember that before you start to chase after ghosts of the past who have taken themselves voluntarily from our lives.”

 

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Helena squeezed her eyes shut and said painfully, “You and I know that it’s not the same kind of love, Alfred.”

 

“It isn’t now but love can grow into many things,” Alfred said before walking past Helena and clasping her shoulder tenderly. “I would also say to you that despite how well you and I both know Miss Barbara, she does remain a woman of mystery in more ways than one. Perhaps she guards other secrets to her heart we don’t yet realize.” He then looked up at the freight elevator which was moving, walking towards it as he said, “I think perhaps you should talk with her about this. Don’t you?”

 

Before Helena could reply, the elevator doors opened to reveal the figure of Barbara whose green eyes widened on seeing Helena. Forming a smile, she moved forward and said, “So you got my phone calls? I was starting to think you broke your machine again.”

 

“I only broke it that once,” said Helena, blinking back into awareness at Barbara’s words and watching with a frown as Alfred smiled softly at her then entered the elevator.

 

More than anything, Helena wanted to do as he advised but god... she didn’t think she had the courage to finally do it. The last thing she wanted was to risk what she had with Barbara. Her relationship with Barbara was the most precious thing in Helena’s life and the idea of losing it or damaging it in any way would most likely destroy her. She never found the courage to risk it before with telling Barbara how she felt for her so how could she do that now? Especially after learning about Carolyn?

 

“Once? Right, that’s what you say now,” Barbara teased, rolling her eyes as she approached Helena and looked at her computers curiously. “I seem to remember quite a few alarm clocks whizzing out of your room and hitting walls when you used to live here. It was practically a daily occurrence.”

 

“Yeah, but it was the same clock,” replied Helena smartly, feeling herself relax and fall into their usual playful routine. This was why she loved Barbara so. The redhead was the only person Helena felt truly comfortable around, no matter what her mood. She had this with no one else, save her mother who was gone now. “Need I remind you about a certain cheap person who kept fixing said alarm clock over and over?”

 

“I wasn’t being cheap,” said Barbara, looking ruffled and her tones offended as she turned to Helena. “Just so you know, as a person who loves technological challenges trying to repair that badly abused clock was altogether enticing.”

 

“This from the woman who repaired it once with twisty ties from the supermarket,” Helena commented drolly, smirking at Barbara as she leaned against the computer table and watched the redhead lazily. “Tell me again how that’s a technological challenge?”

 

“A test of my ingenuity is what that was,” Barbara replied as she arched an eyebrow. They were silent for a long moment before she pressed her lips together and looked at Helena with green eyes that were clouded over with concern. “Helena,” she began softly, moving forward and frowning when she saw Helena stiffen, “what’s going on?”

 

“Nothing,” said Helena hoarsely, turning away from Barbara and staring out the large windows of the clock tower. For once she was thankful for her messy head of hair as it blocked Barbara from her line of vision. It was so much easier to pretend her feelings didn’t exist when she wasn’t looking at the cause of them. “I’m fine.”

 

Strong hands whispered over the small of her back, tracing her spine, and Helena shivered at the sensation while she squeezed her eyes shut. “No,” Barbara’s voice, concerned yet fiercely determined, floated up towards her, “don’t lie to me.”

 

Whirling around and looking as if she had just been slapped, Helena stared at Barbara with wide and panicked eyes. “I’m not lying,” she said quickly. “I just--“

 

“You just won’t tell me the truth about whatever is bothering you,” interrupted Barbara, a frown forming hard lines on her face. Sighing, she removed her glasses from their perch on her nose and absently rubbed her forehead with her free hand. “I don’t think I’ve ever asked for much. Only for you to give me as much trust as I’ve given you and until now I thought we were both living up to our ends of the deal. But you’re shutting me out and it honestly has me at a loss. I don’t know what to do except to ask you the reason why.”

 

Trust is what it always boiled down to with them. As much as Helena lost in her own life, Barbara had lost just as much, even before becoming paralyzed. She had a supremely unhappy childhood that was dominated by an alcoholic and abusive father whose habits eventually resulted in the death of both of her parents in a car crash when she was just eight. Things slowly improved when she was sent to live with her Uncle James and Aunt Barbara in New Gotham where she first caught sight of the mysterious Batman whom her Uncle was friends with. From that moment forward, she made it her goal to become Batman’s partner, to aid in his never ending fight against crime.

 

It was a goal she would eventually achieve only to have it all stolen away from her the night a madman appeared on her doorstep, seeking vengeance on her mentor through attacking Barbara herself. A strike at loved ones, those held most precious, is far more painful than a strike at the hero itself. She knew this as well as Bruce and if she hadn’t been drowning in pain at her new unwilling position in life a part of her might have even respected the Joker’s twisted methodology just this once.

 

She had never trusted her real parents, not after how they treated her in the short time she had known them. Slowly, over several years, she grew to trust and love James Gordon, far more than her birth father, coming to call him father and actually meaning the words as she said them. Just as slowly she came to trust and love Bruce Wayne, despite his innumerable problems and issues. He was not only her mentor but a good friend, one she knew she could always depend on.

 

That’s why it was so hard to keep Helena a secret from him. Much like Bruce, she saw Selina Kyle as she truly was. Certainly not a woman of strong moral values but hardly an evil mastermind. She was most definitely the most brilliant thief in the world, possessing skills and intelligence that few could equal. Few except the members of Batman’s small crime fighting family who often battled her to a stand still and prevented her from seizing some of the most valuable items she had ever set her eyes on.

 

But when she tracked Selina down and saw Helena in the bright lights of Paris, she realized that every word Selina said was true. As much as they both loved Bruce, a child wouldn’t have the desired effect in his life. The short lived joy it would cause would only disappear before the need to protect that child as best he could. Meaning a new found effort being thrown into his crime fighting career, leaving little time for child and mother in everything but his heart. That was a life which would only cause Helena to resent her father and perhaps her mother as well.

 

At Barbara’s persuasion they returned to New Gotham to remain, in distance at least, close to Helena’s father and Selina’s love with only Barbara knowing the truth about the child. All of her life, Helena grew up seeing Barbara, and for all of her life she admired her. When her mother was murdered and the only family she knew disappeared along with a father she only just discovered, Barbara was all she had left.

 

So she clung to Barbara with all that she was, her admiration turning to adoration and finally love, but a love that Barbara subtly squashed, gently cupping her face and saying it was only a crush... that she would have someone when she was older and it would be a real love. Not something created by circumstance and need. Only it was all too real for Helena and it had never left her just as the trust they built between them never left.

 

Until now, when she discovered that trust was far unequal. Barbara knew everything about her, everything that she was, inside and out but she... she no longer knew what was the truth with Barbara when it came right down to it. If she had kept someone as important as Carolyn from her then what else was hidden as well?

 

Anything and everything, perhaps. It was a thought that made Helena more than a little bit angry and anger... well, it was the emotion Helena dealt best with. One that she could easily express and soon found herself doing just that as she stared Barbara down.

 

“Give me a break,” snarled Helena as she clenched her hands into fists. “You don’t trust me and I don’t think you ever did. I let you in over and over, more than anybody else, but you never gave me an inch.” When Barbara opened her mouth to respond, Helena leaned forward, gripping the arms of her wheelchair and meeting their eyes in a dark and burning gaze. “No more excuses. You tell me about Carolyn, huh? You tell me about what she was to you and why you didn’t ever feel the need to share the news that she’s alive and kicking.” Pulling away slowly, Helena shook her head and muttered, “She’s Dinah’s mom, Barbara. You saw what it did to the kid. How could you let her believe it?”

 

“How...?” Barbara began in confusion, lost as to how Helena had discovered her former relationship with Carolyn and the woman’s subsequent faking of her own death.

 

“I heard you that night,” said Helena simply, staring at Barbara before moving her head off to one side, unable to look at her any longer. “I didn’t believe it at first, y’know... that you would keep something that important from me. But then I looked into it and it turned out you kept that and a whole lot more a secret, huh?” Sighing deeply, Helena gazed at Barbara and asked, “What about the kid? Did you even think about her?”

 

“Carolyn is only protecting her,” Barbara protested, feeling the need to defend her actions along with Carolyn’s. “If Hawke finds out she’s still alive--“

 

“He might try to blow her and the kid up again, yeah,” Helena cut Barbara off with a growl, steel blue eyes flashing with rage. “But Dinah’s a big girl now and I’m sure if anyone bothered to ask for her opinion she’d say a million death threats would be worth just one minute with her mom again. I know if I was her I’d say the same thing.”

 

“That isn’t our decision to make,” said Barbara firmly, her lips setting into a frown. “Carolyn is her mother and it’s her right to do what she thinks is best for Dinah. If this is what she’s decided we have no position to interfere.”

 

“Maybe I don’t but you sure as hell do,” replied Helena, staring Barbara down coolly. “Or don’t ex-lovers matter much in the legendary Black Canary’s world?”

 

Once again, green eyes widened with surprise then they became lidded, lost in thought and anger as Barbara said quietly, “That isn’t any of your business.”

 

“Yeah, I forgot,” Helena snorted, tossing her head and walking away, “you just say that you trust me. The actual sentiment behind the words is pretty much shit.”

 

“What did you want me to do, Helena?” asked Barbara wildly, throwing her hands up in frustration with the brunette. “Go into every single detail about my personal life with you? Tell you how painful it was to lose Carolyn? That it hurt more than getting paralyzed? Or how I cried for weeks after she left because of my stupidity? Is that what you want?!”

 

“No,” said Helena in hard tones, clenching her jaw as her eyes flashed again. Looking back, she met Barbara’s gaze and replied, “I want you to trust me like I trust you.”

 

Then she turned and walked away, almost at the elevator when she heard her name called so softly that only someone with her enhanced hearing could have recognized it. “I never meant to hurt you,” Barbara said, her voice laced with regret.

 

“But you still did,” said Helena in response before she entered the elevator and left Barbara for the first and perhaps final time.

 

---

 

Today was a fairly good day for Dinah. Apparently her nickname of Zipper was finally dead and it appeared as if Gabby might be getting over her crush on Barbara as she had not mentioned to Dinah today how incredibly hot her guardian was. Dinah shuddered to think what would happen if Gabby ever set eyes on Helena. Most likely she wouldn’t hear the end of how lucky she was until she was in her late thirties.

 

Sure, she could see how Gabby could misinterpret her situation. Living with one very good looking, intelligent, kind, and at times, funny, woman did seem like a great deal. And when you added in the brooding seductress that Helena appeared to be, well, hey now! Things just multiplied in goodness by a million, right?

 

In a world of fantasies, yes, it was the ideal situation but Dinah didn’t live in a world of fantasies. She lived in a very real and dirty world filled with crime and villains and in that world she knew all too well the women she was closest to weren’t nearly as perfect as they seemed to be. They simply looked the part spectacularly.

 

At least, they usually looked the part. Right now Barbara really didn’t, with her shoulders slumped and her forehead resting in the palm of the hand, making her look the picture of one very exhausted woman with a bevy of problems.

 

Dinah dropped her backpack to the ground with a frown and walked towards Barbara, her hand outstretched in an offering of comfort that soon changed into something else altogether as a flash of a telepathic vision seized her. Everything she saw over the years always took her by surprise, due to the fact that until recently Dinah couldn’t control who her powers worked on. Now she could call her powers up, use them at her own will but sometimes they worked on their own... worked when she didn’t want them to.

 

Right now was one of those times. She hadn’t planned on reading Barbara but when she touched her, perhaps the guilt of what Barbara was feeling or the fact that Dinah was the focus of her thoughts, caused her to read everything in the redhead’s mind. In a rush of image and sound, she saw Barbara watching the crews put out the fire caused from the explosion, she saw and she knew just as Barbara did that her mother didn’t perish in that building. That she escaped because there was not one trace of her body... and when the Black Canary was involved if you didn’t have hard evidence that she was dead, then in all honesty you had no choice but to assume she was still alive.

 

All of it flashed in her mind, Barbara’s happiness on seeing her mother again, the echoes of their romantic involvement, her sad acceptance of Carolyn’s exit out of their lives once more, then finally the guilt at keeping the secret from Dinah. She saw all this and more, the recent fight with Helena and Barbara’s worries about the other woman. Her worries and her love, one hidden so far down and deep that even Barbara wasn’t fully aware of just how very much she cared, only that she did.

 

Her blue eyes wide and her hands shaking, Dinah backed away from Barbara only to bump into the long computer table with a crash, barely disturbing Delphi but waking her guardian from her perpetual sleep and making Barbara look her way.

 

“Dinah,” whispered Barbara in shock, knowing immediately what had happened and feeling another wave of regret and guilt wash over her. “I’m sorry, I--“

 

“She’s alive,” Dinah interrupted as she looked at Barbara, her blue eyes still wide with disbelief at everything she saw and now knew. Their world was one of secrets, they had told her this over and over, but she never thought that there would be secrets kept from her. She was one of them, wasn’t she? That was what she thought but apparently she was wrong. Barbara and her mother saw her as nothing more than a child that they had to protect and do what was best for. “You knew she was alive.”

 

“I wanted to tell you,” said Barbara quietly, “but I know why Carolyn did what she did and I couldn’t... she only wants to protect you, Dinah. That’s all she’s ever wanted, ever since you were a baby.”

 

“You lied to me,” said Dinah in disbelief, unable to grasp that the woman she so admired could do this to her. All of her life people had mistreated her, tricked her, used her, made her feel worthless and wrong but when she came to New Gotham and met Barbara it all went away. Now to find out the same person who made her feel so good about herself had lied to her, let her believe that her mother was dead, no... had worked with her mother to keep that truth from her, it was just too much. “I trusted you, Barbara.” Looking at Barbara with teary and pained blue eyes, she said again in the barest of murmurs, “I trusted you.” Then turning on her heel, Dinah ran to the freight elevator, forcing the doors open with her telekinesis, then going inside before she slammed them loudly shut as she screamed, “I trusted you!”

 

Watching for the second time that day as one of the most important people in her life left her, Barbara dropped her head and murmured, “It was a mistake, Carolyn. All of it.”

 

Then after a moment of silence, she sighed and made her way over to Delphi, preparing to call the place where she was sure both of her charges were headed. Their refuge now and probably always, somewhere they felt accepted no matter what, despite how odd the management could be at times.

 

“No Man’s Land,” Gibson’s jovial voice filled her ears.

 

Adjusting her microphone/earpiece, Barbara said, “It’s Oracle. Can I ask a favor?”

 

“A favor?” Gibson echoed, blinking in confusion as he looked around the bar. He didn’t think he saw Huntress or Dinah make the scene, so what could their boss want? “Sure,” he said finally with a grin, “I’m always happy to help the ladies. What’s up?”

 

“Contact me if Huntress and Dinah appear in your establishment tonight,” said Barbara. She paused for a second then added quietly, “They’ll be rather upset.”

 

“Something happened,” said Gibson, instantly serious as he frowned. “It’s got to do with why Huntress had me find that guy in Hawke’s gang, doesn’t it? Listen, Oracle... I know I’m not really a part of your operations but if you ever need help--“

 

“I’m calling you now, aren’t I?” replied Barbara softly, almost teasing but still serious. Sighing, she added, “I appreciate your help, Gibson. But for now, just do this for me. I need to know they’re both all right. Especially after what I’ve done.”

 

“What you’ve done?” Gibson’s frown deepened. “Oracle, what is this about?” Instead of an answer, all he got was the sound of a dial tone and heaving a sigh, he put the phone into the receiver and murmured, “She worries about them but what about her?”

 

---

 

An hour later, Helena wandered into No Man’s Land, her usual strut diminished with the subdued mood that seemed to have seized her. Sitting easily at the bar, she watched as Gibson chatted with some usual patrons in the far off corner and sighed in relief.

 

Part of her knew she that visited the club for Gibson’s easy going nature and complete lack of fear for what many found to be her intimidating nature, but right now she didn’t want to deal with his humorous prodding. Sometimes, as much as she liked the guy, he just didn’t know when to quit. It made her wish that he was the littlest bit afraid of her. At least then she would have some leeway with him.

 

“JD?” asked the bartender, Charlie, she thought his name was.

 

“That’ll do,” replied Helena roughly, giving him a hint of a smile as he nodded at her and wandered off to get her drink. When he returned, he held a full bottle of Jack Daniels and an empty glass in his hands.

 

When Helena arched an eyebrow, he said, “No ice, right?”

 

“Nice memory,” Helena complimented with a chuckle, pouring some JD into the glass and peering at him over it. “You don’t share skills with your boss, do you?”

 

“Nope, my talent lies in the line of transportation,” said Charlie, returning Helena’s smile and snapping his fingers easily, the man vanished from her view. Moments later, she felt warm breath ruffling the hair on her neck as he murmured in her ear, “I’m just your run of the mill metahuman who can do some short range teleportation.”

 

“How short range?” asked Helena as Charlie reappeared in front of her. She took a swig of her drink and contemplated the usefulness of his power. Someone like him could be a great help when it came right down to it. If he was up to the challenge, that is. “And what exactly can you teleport? Just yourself?”

 

“Myself and anything I’m touching,” Charlie answered with a shrug. He met Helena’s eyes and recalled what Gibson said about Huntress and her companions. Being a long time resident of New Gotham and a metahuman had kept him from ever being naïve about what went on in this city. Personally, he was just glad that there were people among his kind that had the courage to fight against it. “My range is a five hundred mile radius from where I’m starting. But...” Charlie’s eyes grew entirely somber as he looked at Helena. “I always have to know my surroundings. Always.”

 

“You’ve had accidents,” said Helena, her tones conveying acute understanding as she met his gaze and tilted her head.

 

“Near ones,” admitted Charlie before he turned away to fix a drink for another patron. When he was back with Helena, he said, “I have to know where I’m going exactly and picture it in my mind or else I could wind up teleporting myself or someone else into a solid brick wall. And I bet you know what that would mean,” his lips quirked up in a self deprecating smile that Helena matched as she took a drink of JD.

 

“A real messy splat, I’m guessing,” Helena responded quietly, lips moving over her drink before the alcohol scorched down her throat again.

 

Charlie laughed at this, his tones surprisingly warm for what her words conveyed, and wandered off again to help other patrons. She watched him for a few moments, her steel blue eyes lidded in contemplation. That was when she felt a hand clasp her shoulder and sighed, already knowing very well who it was.

 

“Leave me alone, Gibson,” said Helena dryly, not moving to even look at the man as he settled himself next to her on a bar stool. “I don’t have the energy for you tonight.”

 

“That’s too bad my delectable blueberry muffin, because I’m not going anywhere,” Gibson remarked amiably, leaning forward against the bar and smiling widely up at Helena who scowled at him and downed what was left of her drink. “Why won’t you just admit you love me and my sparkling personality? It’s what has you coming back for more. C’mon, Huntress,” he wheedled, ducking his head and peering at her frowning face, “lets hug and be bracelet buddies. It’ll be like summer camp!”

 

A hint of a smile cracking on her lips, Helena set her glass down on the bar with a solid thunk before she pressed the palm of her hand lightly against Gibson’s face and shoved backwards gently. “You’re an ass,” she accused with a small hint of affection.

 

“At times,” said Gibson, grinning big at her as his eyes twinkled. Pulling away, he rested his chin in the palm of his hand and stared at her in speculation. “So,” he began in oddly serious tones, “do you want to tell me what’s wrong or must I pry as usual? Because, as I consult my horrifyingly accurate database of a memory, I find that I would LOVE to be surprised for once and have you divulge your woes without me harassing you into it.” He paused and sighed hugely then said, “Me always being on the emotional attack isn’t good for our blossoming romance, I’ll have you know.”

 

“She contacted you, didn’t she,” Helena more stated than questioned as she reached for the bottle of JD and poured what little was left of it into her glass. Taking a long drink and setting it back down, she murmured in rough tones, “She’ll talk to everyone but me.”

 

“Oracle is worried about you, Huntress,” said Gibson quietly after a moment. He had no idea what was going on between the women who normally seemed idyllically close but obviously it was something big to shake them all up so badly. “Whatever’s going on, she blames herself. She just wants to know you’re all right, that’s it.”

 

“All right,” scoffed Helena, her fingernail tinking up against the bottle of alcohol before she started scratching the label off. Turning to face Gibson with a scathing glare, Helena growled, “This isn’t about me or the kid being, okay? This is about her trying to control everything that involves her, including her own damn feelings.” Looking back at the bottle, she scratched at it some more, staring at the paper as it fell apart in her hands. “I never had a chance, y’know... she would’ve never given me one.”

 

“Huntress,” breathed Gibson, his eyes going impossibly wide. He had known her for several years and she had never told him anything like this. Never. And he had seen her more drunk than this. She wasn’t even really incapacitated with the way her metabolism worked. In an hour or two she’d be slightly buzzed at the most. Which led Gibson to the conclusion that for once, she must really need to talk, and he was the lucky one she had chosen to talk to. It wasn’t something he would ruin... not with her. Shaking his head, not liking this depressed and hopeless side to his friend, he said quietly, “And since when do you ask to be given anything? If she won’t give you a chance just go and take one.” As a wry smile tugged at his lips, he added humorously, “Love is a battlefield.”

 

Chuckling softly, Helena shook her head and sighed. “I heard what she said,” meeting his eyes with a watery blue stare, she smiled painfully, “and you should know more than anybody just how big my competition is.” Looking away from him, she lifted the bottle of Jack Daniels in the air as a toast. “The almighty and legendary Black Canary,” Helena snorted before finishing off the bottle. Setting it down on the bar with an audible thump, she finished listlessly, “I can’t compete with her.”

 

“Goddammit, Huntress!” exclaimed Gibson with exasperation. “What the hell is with you?! It doesn’t sound to me like you’re even trying at all. You find out your girl liked someone else and you give up? If I remember correctly, Canary isn’t even with us anymore. I think a certain red haired beauty is very up for grabs.”

 

“She’s not dead,” muttered Helena. Looking evenly at Gibson, she sneered and said, “And that’s directly from Hawke's errand boy that you found for me, so don’t start up on that piece of information either. Oracle confirmed it herself. My competition's still alive and kicking, making things pretty much impossible for me.”

 

“Well, so what?” Gibson huffed, getting more than a little frustrated with his companion. “She might not be dead but she’s sure as hell not here. You have home field advantage.” He was quiet for a moment, studying Helena, then sighing heavily he stood up slowly. “I don’t like seeing you like this, Huntress. Playing the martyr doesn’t suit you. Not at all.”

 

Gibson’s hand gently clasped her shoulder, squeezing it in a sort of reassurance before he moved away. Helena remained where she was, unmoving and lost in thought until she felt the familiar presence of someone else very close to her. Honestly, she wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there alone before she showed up. It could’ve been five minutes or it could’ve been five hours. Time had somehow become lost on Helena in her wasteland of self induced depression. So scratching at the hint of paper left on the bottle in front of her, Helena said, “I hate to love you.”

 

“Really?”

 

The words were said so quietly that only Helena could have heard them, but hear them she did and turning around, she met green eyes that stared at her. Helplessly waiting for an answer that only she could provide.

 

Unbidden, her hand moved forward, whispering a tender touch across Barbara’s cheek, delighting in the feel of her soft skin and how the redhead leaned ever so slightly into her touch. “I don’t know,” replied Helena, sounding as lost as she felt. “Sometimes it seems like things would be a lot easier if I didn’t love you. Especially now,” she said dryly.

 

“I don’t want things to be easy,” said Barbara firmly, squeezing Helena’s hand in her own and staring up at the other woman. “Easy isn’t a part of my life... of our life.” She paused to take a deep breath then she said, “Helena, I know what I did concerning Carolyn was wrong. I betrayed the trust you and Dinah placed in me and that’s inexcusable but I want you to know I’m sorry and I will never do anything like this again.” Green eyes burned into Helena’s, full of fire and regret and instantly Helena knew that Barbara meant every word she was saying. “I swear to you.”

 

She knew Barbara meant it all, but one thing stuck in her mind, something Helena couldn’t let go of and she looked far away from Barbara, her dark hair obscuring lovely features as she did so. “Is it really ours?” Helena murmured.

 

“What?” asked Barbara with some confusion.

 

“Life,” Helena elaborated, meeting Barbara’s gaze with solemn eyes that revealed the depths of her soul more readily than words ever could. “Is it our life together? Or are you just here because you don’t know what you’d do without me fighting in your place?” Releasing a bitter laugh, Helena tilted her head back and snorted. “I used to think it was like we were two parts of the same person. I loved it... you in my head, you in my heart, always there with me, a sweet voice in my ear that would never leave me.” Helena locked their eyes, saddened by the look of shock and sympathy on Barbara’s features. Pushing back against the bar, Helena propelled herself forward, stopping momentarily at Barbara’s side as she said softly, “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember and there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, even now. But it was never our life, it was always yours. Your life, your mission, and your rules. You just happened to need me to come along for the ride. I don’t blame you for that because I knew it and I never cared, I loved you that much but I’m sick of it. I’m not an equal in this relationship and I don’t think I ever have been.” Pausing to swallow the lump in her throat, Helena closed her eyes and steeled herself for what she had to say next. Despite the results, she had to say it, to put everything out there on a clear line. “And until I know for sure that I’m an equal... your equal, in every way, I don’t think I’ll be coming back.” Gathering up all of her courage, she murmured, “I want all or nothing, Barbara. All or nothing.”

 

Frozen in hurt, fear, and confusion, Barbara remained unmoving as Helena’s words sunk in and she acknowledged in painful realization that every word Helena said was true. For the second time in a week, tears slid down her cheeks uncontrolled. Making her think that maybe it was time that she finally tried to stop controlling every last aspect of her life just because more and more, it ended up having the worst results.

 

Especially regarding issues of love.

 

---

 

Gabby smiled slowly as she cranked up her stereo to the perfect level, the one that made it loud enough so her parents couldn’t hear what she and Dinah were saying but still wasn’t loud enough for them to tell her to turn it down. Looking at her friend who sat on her bed, in the same exact position she’d been in since she arrived, staring at the worn figure of Sir Fluffsalot, Gabby’s stuffed bunny rabbit that she held in her hands.

 

“So,” Gabby drew the word out as she bounced down on the bed, watching with concern as Dinah remained still instead of giving her a teasing complaint per usual. “You want to tell me what’s the what? I know something’s got to be bothering you, I’ve never seen you this quiet. Not even in Physics class.”

 

“Barbara lied to me,” said Dinah softly, in a hint of a whisper. Rubbing the soft velvet of Sir Fluffsalot’s head, her voice wavered as she continued, “I never thought she would. I was used to it back in Opal... no one was ever really good to me there or if they were it never lasted. Something always happened to take that away. Always...” Lifting her head slowly, Dinah looked at Gabby with sad blue eyes. “When I met Barbara, it was different. I don’t know why but she took a chance and believed in me. It made me feel so good, so special, that I would have done anything to pay her back for that.”

 

“Di,” murmured Gabby in heartfelt tones, scooting forward and resting her hands lightly on Dinah’s knees as she peered up into her eyes. “What did she do?” When Dinah just moved her head, staring at Gabby’s wall that was more posters than paint, Gabby’s face formed a slow frown and she reached up to gently cup Dinah’s face. Once she was looking up into clear blue eyes again, Gabby repeated, “What did she do?”

 

More than anything, Dinah wanted to tell Gabby everything. To tell her about Barbara keeping her mother’s death a secret, to tell her how betrayed and hurt it made her feel, to tell her insecurities... her doubts that her mother loved her, to tell her she no longer knew who Barbara was because of this. She wanted to tell her all that and so much more but at the same time she realized she couldn’t.

 

There wasn’t any conceivable way she could tell Gabby what happened and not give away parts of her life that just weren’t meant for sharing. Letting Gabby know about who her mother was, why she had faked her death, and even about herself... her real past would not only endanger herself but Barbara, Helena, and her mother as well. Perhaps even put Gabby in danger too, depending on whether or not she kept it a secret.

 

At that moment Dinah realized exactly why Barbara had done it, had kept her mother being alive a secret, and why her mother had faked her death. She realized because now she knew what it was to protect someone whether they wanted you to or not. To have to hide the truth in order to keep an innocent safe.

 

They had always told her that their lives were ones filled with pain, sacrifice, and subterfuge but until now Dinah had never really believed it. After all, isn't the life of a superhero a noble calling? Sacrificing yourself to keep those weaker than you safe, fighting against those who would hurt the ones who don’t deserve it, the ones who can’t fight back. That’s not something that would lead to secrets and lies, is it?

 

But looking into Gabby’s concerned hazel gaze, Dinah knew all too well that it was and she had no choice but to follow along. "I... I can't tell you, Gabby, I'm sorry," said Dinah quietly, ducking her head and looking guilty. “I wish I could, really.”

 

Studying Dinah for a long moment, Gabby sighed then shook her head, curly blonde locks falling into her eyes as she did so. “Whatever you say, Big D.” She looked back at the other girl again and formed an encouraging smile. “How about some drinks, huh?”

 

“Yeah, that would be nice,” replied Dinah half heartedly, trying to match Gabby’s smile and failing horribly as her friend exited her room.

 

More than anything she wanted to tell Gabby the truth but she had just learned one of the hardest lessons of being a hero. Sometimes to protect the ones you love the most, you can’t tell them everything that happens in your life. No matter how much you might need or want to. It was the start of a nearly endless line of sacrifices that being a hero entails. Sacrifices that her mother and Barbara already knew all too well.

 

Which is why she could no longer blame them for their actions. It was hard to blame someone when you understood and even sympathized with what they did. Still, that didn’t keep her from being angry about it.

 

After all, being angry was just a part and parcel of being a teenager. Something that Dinah, despite all her forced maturity from life, definitely was. Especially whenever she borrowed one of Helena’s mislaid outfits around the clock tower.

 

---

 

The clock tower was disturbingly empty. Despite being Bruce’s protégé in every way that mattered, Barbara had always been very different than him in personality or at least on a surface level. While he buried himself deep into the ground, in the darkness, seeking the companionship of few if any, Barbara was always surrounded with people. At her chosen work as a teacher or at home, she was never alone.

 

Which was why Alfred found the situation of Barbara being alone in the clock tower when he knew full well Helena wasn’t working and Dinah should be out of school all too alarming. It just wasn’t something natural in their day to day events. Especially when he could see that the Delphi system wasn’t registering any emergencies so neither of the women could be out doing work in their lesser known careers as superheroes.

 

“Miss Barbara?” Alfred spoke her name into the darkness and as expected, he saw a slight movement of her shoulders but nothing more. Moving forward and noticing how the tables connected to the Delphi system were slightly ajar, he sighed heavily then questioned somberly, “What’s happened?"

 

Gazing out the length of the windows to the clock tower, Barbara murmured, “I lied to them, Alfred. I didn’t want to but I still did. I don’t know why...”

 

“Miss Carolyn asked it of you,” said Alfred, retaining his somber response despite the look of shock that covered Barbara’s features as she whirled around to face him. “And I dare say that there is very little you wouldn’t do for someone you love when they ask it.”

 

“How--“ Barbara started in mystified tones that Alfred smiled at.

 

“I’ve taken care of Master Bruce since he was a small lad,” interrupted Alfred smoothly, resuming his walk towards her, “and in doing so I’ve learned quite a few things. Most of which involve gathering information when no one notices you are even doing so.”

 

“Bruce always said you were smarter than us all,” said Barbara with a chuckle, leaning back in her chair. Sighing, she peered up at the ceiling and said softly, “I wish I could just explain to them why I did it without it sounding like a lame excuse. I know... I knew from the start that it wasn’t right but Carolyn got it in her head this was the only way and I...”

 

“You didn’t wish to argue with her,” finished Alfred simply, looking at Barbara with knowing eyes. “I know it can be difficult, arguing with those you love but sometimes it cannot be avoided and perhaps that’s for the best. Conflict often brings about the best sort of change in our lives.”

 

“I suppose,” admitted Barbara wearily. Frowning as the looked at the Delphi system, she continued, “But instead of fighting with Carolyn I’ve ended up doing that with Helena and Dinah and not just fighting... I’ve hurt them as well. So much that I wonder if they’ll ever be able to forgive me.”

 

“They will, Miss Barbara,” replied Alfred confidently. “Trust in that.”

 

“I don’t think I can, Alfred,” Barbara murmured sadly as she looked up at him with exhausted green eyes. “Helena’s already told me...” Barbara trailed off, moving her head off into the distance, seeming unable to finish her sentence.

 

Frowning deeply, Alfred asked gently, “What did Miss Helena say?”

 

“She wants it all,” answered Barbara finally, knowing that somehow, just somehow, Alfred would know exactly what she was talking about. “She wants our relationship to be one of equals and she wants...” Staring at her legs, useless and immobile, the constant reminder of her failure, Barbara squeezed her shaking hands into fists and said roughly, “She wants me but she doesn’t know, Alfred. She doesn’t know what that means. I would only be a burden to her like that. At least this way, I can help her. I can--”

 

“You can keep her from making her own decisions and through that, keep her from what her heart desires most,” Alfred cut in smoothly, his frown growing as he studied Barbara with eyes darkened from sadness. “You’ve known Miss Helena for so very long now and I would think if anyone would trust her judgment it would be you, Miss Barbara.”

 

“Not about this,” Barbara responded tightly, clenching her jaw and digging her nails into the arm rests of her chair, “never about this, Alfred.”

 

Silence grew around them as Alfred continued his observation of Barbara before he slowly shook his head and murmured, “I had always thought you to be stronger than Master Bruce in matters of the heart but I can see I was wrong. Like him, you run from those who love you most, out of a cowardly fear of losing them or even yourself to the feelings they cause inside of you.” His expression full of disappointment, Alfred turned and walked away as he said, “I shall always be here for you, Miss Barbara, just as I was always there for Master Bruce but I will say now I understand why Miss Helena will not. By Miss Dinah’s return I hope you will have learned from all this.”

 

As the doors to the elevator closed quietly shut, Barbara stared at them for a long moment and heard Alfred’s final and unspoken words ringing in her head. Ones that told her to never make the mistakes she made with Helena happen with Dinah as well. Never let her fall in love with you and never... never fall in love with her in return. Especially if you aren’t ready to accept the emotion and perhaps never will be.

 

Unfortunately, this was a lesson lost on Barbara when it came to Helena and it occurred to her that maybe it was meant to be lost. That maybe her feelings weren’t wrong, that maybe all those whispers and longings in the dark weren’t something that happened out of loneliness and despair. Against her will, her mind drifted back to her most recent kiss with Carolyn one filled with a soft contentment and ease of emotion.

 

It was like slipping into her favorite pair of faded jeans, it was that easy to kiss Carolyn. There wasn’t anything terribly difficult or jarring about it... a kiss with Carolyn was like a hug from Dinah, the same familiarity and comfort was there. Certainly the passion from the days of their youth was gone but that hardly mattered to Barbara. To have someone she could relax with... let all of her fears go, that was enough.

 

She hadn’t done that in such a very long time. Not since the early days of her injury, when she would cry in the night, hugging her pillow tight and wishing with all her might that it was all a dream and she would wake up and her legs would work and Carolyn would be there with her, smiling bright and happy. Only that never happened.

 

But in the darkness of those nights, in the veil of unhappiness and despair, Helena would come to her. At first Barbara feigned sleep, acting as if she didn’t know the girl’s was there, sitting in a far off corner, eyes trained on her in alert observance. Then one night, she didn’t know why, she found herself sitting up and locking their gazes.

 

Never in her life had she seen blue eyes so sweet in their intention, the emotion held behind that gaze, and Barbara smiled softly then offered her hand. When Helena took it, the weight of her hand light in Barbara’s who squeezed it in reassurance before the girl moved slowly into her arms, arms holding her securely, Barbara knew something significant had just happened but until now she didn’t know exactly what it was.

 

That had been the precise moment when it began. When she started to fall in love with Helena even though she would never let herself recognize it. Until now...

 

Until Helena threatened to leave her for good because of it. Until she had everything she wanted and longed for being stolen away. Until once again the harsh reality of losing the person she loved because of her own inaction faced her.

 

Only this time Barbara wasn’t going to let it happen. She wouldn’t let her relationship with Helena fall to the same path that it had with Carolyn. This time she wouldn’t let the one thing that made her happy walk away. Because if she did it again, most likely she wouldn’t have anymore chances for happiness left.

 

She just hoped that Helena was still willing to listen.

 

---

 

Staring up at Gabby’s ceiling, Dinah shifted in the bed and gazed at her friend whom she found was already staring at her back. A goofy smile forming on her lips without helping it, Dinah asked in overdone haughty tones, “What are you looking at?”

 

“My best friend,” said Gabby softly, reaching up to move a lock of hair out of Dinah’s eyes as she continued gazing at her. “Who happens to be hurting and I don’t know why.”

 

“Gabby,” said Dinah, her voice nothing more than a whisper. She bit her lip out of guilt and confusion and wondered for the hundredth time that night if it really would be that much of a big deal to tell Gabby the whole truth. And for the hundredth time that night she realized the risks to her friend would be too great. So she suffered in silence, blue eyes full of sadness that tugged at Gabby’s heart as she studied the other girl. “I wish I could tell you but I can’t. I know it sounds lame but...”

 

“Hey,” said Gabby in soothing tones as her hand slipped under the covers, hesitantly drawing her arms around Dinah, pulling the girl to her, “I don’t care about that, Di. There are secrets we have to keep sometimes, I get that. I just hate seeing you sad.”

 

“Well, I hate being sad,” Dinah replied in muffled tones, shifting in Gabby’s arms, resting her chin on a delicate shoulder and breathing in the light scent of peaches Gabby carried with her. “So I guess we’re in the same boat, huh?”

 

They were silent for a long while, simply enjoying holding each other and being held when it suddenly occurred to Gabby that Dinah was straight and most straight girls she knew would interpret a lesbian holding them in their bed as... well...

 

Pretty damn gay, if she did say so herself.

 

“Di?” Gabby heard herself saying quietly into the night.

 

She froze seconds later, when Dinah shifted in her arms slightly, her warm breath blowing against the skin of her neck when she spoke. “Yeah?” asked Dinah.

 

“Is this okay?” pursued Gabby, unsure why she was bringing this topic into play but somehow knowing that she had to. Probably because she was liking this way more than she knew she should and also because she knew that she cared for Dinah way more than she should. “I mean... me holding you like this. I’m not Matt.”

 

Giggling at this concept, Dinah replied, “I hope not. If you were you’d be a lot taller and I couldn’t have my leg where it is now without you screaming out in pain.”

 

It was only then that Gabby noticed Dinah’s legs had somehow become entwined with her own, drawing them ever closer together, so much so that it felt almost like the were the same person. And god, it felt good... so much more than she thought it should.

 

“Di,” Gabby found herself repeating in hoarse tones, “I...”

 

Apparently it was hoarse enough for Dinah to become worried and she pulled back to look at Gabby with concerned blue eyes as this time, she pushed locks of curly blonde hair out of her friend’s eyes. “Gabby?” she questioned with confusion.

 

“I’m not Matt,” said Gabby, suddenly unable to do anything but repeat herself.

 

“I know that,” Dinah answered as she tilted her head and a frown tugged at her lips. Pressing locks of hair from Gabby’s face, she pressed her hand lightly on the other girl’s forehead and murmured half to herself, rather worriedly, “You’re so hot.”

 

Swallowing back the urge to give a crude reply to this statement, Gabby bit her lip and forced herself not to burst into laughter. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on who you asked, her attempt failed and her laughter burst forth into the air, leaving Dinah all too perplexed about what exactly was so funny and was her friend sick?

 

After hearing Dinah say the word what in a million different vocal tones, Gabby finally calmed and flopped back into bed, looking warmly at her friend who still wore a face of confusion on her lovely features. Entwining her hand in Dinah’s, smiling as their fingers laced together almost of their own will, she sighed hugely and said, “Thanks, Di.”

 

“For what?” asked Dinah, now thoroughly lost as to what was so amusing and how exactly she had caused Gabby’s sudden fit of laughter.

 

“For being you,” replied Gabby simply as she rewarded Dinah with another soft smile before drawing her friend into her arms again.

 

“Oh,” Dinah blinked in puzzlement before shrugging her shoulders and moving closer into Gabby’s arms and sighing in contentment. “You’re welcome, I guess.”

 

Instead of answering, Gabby smiled even bigger yet and knew that even if Dinah didn’t tell her everything about her life, what little she did would be enough. Just because she really didn’t know when she ever been as happy this. Or when she would be again.

 

---

 

Only when the door to her apartment opened to reveal Barbara’s all too hesitant figure, did Helena rethink the wisdom of giving the redhead her spare keys. Then again, before this happened Helena couldn’t have even imagined a circumstance when she wouldn’t want Barbara to suddenly drop in on her.

 

All right, that was a lie. Barbara appearing out of nowhere when she was in the middle of one of her thousands of meaningless one night stands wouldn’t be something she would look forward to. Still, despite that, she would want to see Barbara.

 

Right now she couldn’t say that simply because unlike all the times before, the outcome of their entire relationship rested on this meeting... this conversation, and it was probably the scariest moment of Helena’s life. Her mother’s death and Barbara’s injury were without a doubt the most heart rending moments but this... this was the scariest.

 

Just because it all rested on this moment. Whether she would finally get a chance to have everything she ever wanted or she would have it taken completely away. Logically Helena knew she brought this on herself but she couldn’t help it. She wasn’t a person of supreme patience and she had been waiting so long for this. Almost the length of her entire life, it seemed at times.

 

The door shut quietly but it was loud enough to jar Helena out of her thoughts and meet Barbara’s solemn green gaze. “That didn’t take long,” said Helena roughly, sinking into a chair on the far side of the room and watching Barbara carefully. “I guess you had your mind made up a long time ago.”

 

“Helena,” said Barbara in husky tones, nearing the other woman slowly, “I want you to know I never meant to hurt you with this. I just... I couldn’t let myself believe it.” Drawing her eyes from Helena, she wetted her lips and continued in a sort of daze, letting all of the secrets she held inside her finally slip out. “I think I always knew you cared for me but I never allowed myself to imagine it was anything more than a passing fancy. Just a temporary crush you would eventually grow out of except...” Lifting her gaze up, she locked her eyes with a steel blue gaze and murmured, “You never did. So I convinced myself it was pity motivating you. That you felt sorry for the woman trapped in a chair who was trying to live out her passions through you.”

 

“I never thought that you--“ Helena began to protest only to stop when Barbara raised her hand and smiled softly at her.

 

“I know,” Barbara interrupted in soothing tones. Smiling half heartedly, she laughed quietly and said, “I know you never thought that even though that’s probably what I’ve been doing all these years. I shouldn’t have gotten you into this life, Helena.” Shaking her head, Barbara sighed then said, “I shouldn’t have done a lot of things. But despite everything I’ve done you still love me.” Looking at Helena with an expression of partial awe and disbelief, Barbara moved forward to grasp Helena’s hand gently, pulling her forward and out of the chair, the other woman stumbling towards her uncertainly. “I’m positive I don’t deserve you, not after everything that’s happened, and I’m almost certain you won’t want me because as much as I hate it... this is too new for me to say with absolute confidence I’m in love with you but...”

 

“But?” Helena encouraged, holding Barbara’s hand tightly, unaware that she was squeezing it almost strong enough to break it.

 

“I think I do,” admitted Barbara in the barest of whispers, looking up at Helena with emotion filled green eyes, “I never let myself believe it but I think I do. I know that’s probably not enough for you and I should just--“

 

“Shut up,” said Helena gruffly as she bent down and met their eyes in an intense gaze. Her fingers caressed the nape of Barbara’s neck, before they became buried into thick red hair. “As long as I have a chance to be with you it’s enough.”

 

Tears slipping down her face, a cry of relief escaped Barbara’s lips before it was drowned in the softness of Helena’s lips feeding on her own. This kiss was everything that her final one with Carolyn wasn’t. It wasn’t safe, it wasn’t familiar, and most of all it wasn’t something that made her feel content.

 

This kiss was hard and it was hot and it was demanding as Helena’s tongue sought entrance into her mouth, devouring and tasting everything that she was and still wanting even more. The longer the kiss went on the more Barbara never wanted it to end, so she moaned, leaning into Helena before pulling the brunette onto her lap, firmly wrapping her arms around her waist and sliding her hands under the slight fabric of Helena’s shirt.

 

And when they finally separated from need for air, Barbara’s eyes were dark with desire, dilated as they looked at Helena who had a slow smile curving on her lips as she cupped Barbara’s cheek softly. “Helena,” said Barbara in a bare whisper, her voice several octaves lower and echoing with wonder, “I never knew.”

 

“I did,” Helena replied with a soft smile, fingers once again tangling in Barbara’s hair as she leaned forward in preparation for another kiss. “I always have.”

 

-End-