TITLE: All The White Horses
SERIES: The L Word
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com
YAHOO ID: dreiser7
AIM or ICHAT ID: dreiser3
MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.net/
CONTENT: S3 spoilers. F/F romance. Alice/Dana.
Danish.
SUMMARY: Alice and Dana reunite only to face a
separation they can do little to prevent.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my love of being
NC-17. That's right. I'm a bad bad girl, in no way good enough. There are
demons and you are one. Sorry. I was just quoting really bad Willow and Tara poetry
that's been stuck in my head for years. Want to hear more? When I dance, I
dance around the Willow treeÉ I'm not making up this stuff people. It's real
and no, I didn't write it. I hate poetry. Except for dirty limericks.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: And here is part two. Again, I
thank Chris for the educational hook up. I am lazy and she allowed me to
sustain my laziness. This is a truly great thing, people. Trust me on this one,
okay? Heh. Like before, let me know how you're liking the angst and if I made
any errors in terms of the medical treatment. I like feedback, even if it isn't
smiley faces and roses.
http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/winter.mp3
Winter by Tori Amos is the song that I got the
title of this fic from. I know I told you that already but I'm just going to
keep linking the song until the fic is done since it's the theme song of sorts
for the story. Seriously. Want to know how I get myself all melancholy and
steeped in imitation misery to write this crap? I listen to this song on
repeat. Tis the magic of Tori. Want more lyrics from it? Oh yeah! Here we go:
"Sleeping Beauty trips me with a frown.
I hear a voice. You must learn to stand up for yourself. Cause I can't always
be around."
Ahhh, I still love it so. Yeah, yeah, I know.
I'm such a fucking girl but whatever. But this song makes me sniffle and want
to watch Steel Magnolias or something.
There's so much angst in this fic, including
this chapter but there is a certain level of hopefulness that some people spoke
of in the comments section because of the love that still exists between Alice
and Dana. Once again, I'm going to link an Alanis Morissette song. I didn't
want to use her again but it fits this chapter perfectly and I think it's
probably the best song about feeling an unselfish and pure love for another
person.
http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/nothinginreturn.mp3
You Owe Me Nothing In Return by Alanis
Morissette is the theme for this chapter and I really do encourage you to
listen to the lyrics. I think they are just so fucking beautiful.
http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/intothesun.mp3
Into The Sun by Lifehouse is the song that is
playing when Alice and Dana are on the couch together and discuss getting
Dana's hair cut. It's another really pretty and sad beautiful song and I
figured it suited the scene.
Want to the haircut Shane gives Dana? Here it
is. I figured Dana would want her hair to be short but not super short. She's
always had it long in the series.
http://www.dreiser.net/extras/dana-haircut.jpg
Don't know what skeeball is? My god! You are
missing out the coolest old school before video games game of all time!
Wikipedia info away!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skee_ball
http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/gloryoflove.mp3
Glory of Love by Peter Cetera (originally) is
the song that Howie and Alice quote when they start talking after Dana leaves
them alone. However! The song I just linked is the Glory of Love punk cover by
the band New Found Glory. Why did I link the punk cover? Well, because I think
it's better and I adore a good punk cover song. And while this song is fairly
cheesy I think the lyrics suit Danish. But the song is definitely less cheesy
in the punk version.
http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/lovelovelove.mp3
Love Love Love by Tristan Prettyman is the song
that I hear playing when Danish manages to make that first step back to each
other in the all important and often plot filled bathroom of The Planet. I
readily admit most of this chapter is an angsty downer and I wanted to end it
off happy and hopeful romantic as a hint for what's coming up in Part Three.
Plus it's such a pretty song that really suits Danish. If you like this song I
recommend getting Tristan's album, Twenty Three, because all of the other songs
on it are just as good.
Want to read my fanfics without the pages? Visit
my personal fanfic website here:
All The White Horses
By: Dreiser
Part TwoÉ
Dana hated the smell of hospitals. The chemically pristine
odor they had that told you, even just seconds after waking from your surgery, exactly
where you were. Of course, that's only if you didn't notice the droning beeps
of the medical machinery, the painful glare of the fluorescent lights, and the
loud buzz of staff members being paged constantly. But it was the sterile
nature of the smell that made Dana hate it the most, the necessary air of
detached cleanliness which seemed to hang from the walls of the building
itself.
There was a coldness to being in a hospital, an
indifference, that always bothered the tennis player so very much. She was
never the type of person who could magically adjust to her circumstances and
surroundings and become comfortable. But Alice was good at doing that and once
Dana asked what her secret was and the blonde looked perplexed for a moment
then said she supposed it had to do with looking for the familiar in the
unfamiliar. Dana stared blankly at her for a response and Alice laughed,
elaborating to say that if they were to go to a brand new lesbian bar to make
herself feel comfortable she'd wear one of her favorite outfits and then order
her favorite drinks. Placing the familiar, that which is comforting, into the
unfamiliar setting and somehow making the situation not quite so scary anymore
in the process. Though she tried her best, Dana couldn't manage to do the
same.
Instead she always focused on the unknown, that which scared
her. Whenever she made a mistake she repeated it on an endless loop inside her
mind to find every little fumble while cursing herself for all of them. That
was what managed to always plummet her into depression when she was closeted.
The inability to let go of the hurt and the shame of all the things she felt
she had done wrong. Dana clutched to those mistakes like they were perverse
sort of security blanket. One meant to protect herself from the surrounding
world.
Taking chances wasn't something that Dana would do easily.
She had to be pointed and pushed and poked and prodded and any other number of
painfully sounding p-worded things that suited the occasion to get her to truly
make a risk in her life. Almost everyone who dealt with her, family included,
found this to be far too tedious to even start to deal with.
Alice wasn't almost everyone and she never would be. The
blonde stood out from the first moment that Dana met her because of her gentle
honesty. That was really the only way the athlete could think of describing it
because since that first meeting Alice had always been honest with her but
unlike others, her brand of honesty never hurt Dana and never made her feel
scared or ashamed or lonely or even different. All it made her do mostly was
laugh and then think. God, how much Alice had made her think in the beginning.
Think about how the life she had been living was empty and
lonely and lacking so very much that she hadn't even been aware of the
overwhelming amount until Alice appeared. From day one the tennis player had a
crush forming on her friend, it was nearly impossible for that not to happen
considering how her life had been changed so completely just from simply knowing
Alice and no matter how meager it appeared on the surface of her life, Dana
knew she truly was happier. That she was happier from knowing Alice than from
not.
Which is why their separation tore at her. Those days that
turned into weeks that turned into months which seemed like endless years. An
emotional version of a of bitter cold winter that nipped at her constantly,
hitting her with sharp and unmerciful winds and just when she thought some
respite might be coming, that it could finally be over, it would start up again
but stronger than before. The sting of memory after memory assaulting her
heart.
She wanted to forget what it was like, more than anything.
To forget how it felt when Alice came into her life. The simple joy created
from being able to call her when she thought a girl in the grocery store was
flirting with her and discussing it with endless detail, to the point that the
blonde demanded she come over for dinner so they could figure this out. Then
the return trip to the grocery store two days later where the girl, whose name
was Tracy, spoke with Dana again and Alice hid in the cereal aisle to analyze
their interaction. And then the hours the writer spent coaching and helping
Dana find the perfect way to ask Tracy out after getting her number during
their second meeting. All of those things and more, she tried to forget.
The problem was, the more that Dana tried to forget the
harder it became. There were too many memories and they seemed to live in the
air itself and no matter how hard Dana worked she couldn't escape them.
Memories like the first time she woke up holding Alice in her arms, how the way
her hair sticking up at every angle had tickled her nose and brought the
athlete out of her slumber. And how Alice managed to look cute even while she
was half asleep and cursing at Dana for making fun of her bedhead. It had been
one late Sunday morning when Lara's hair tickled her nose that same way, once
again causing her to wake up and for several painfully brief moments, Dana
thought it was like that time. That it was Alice in her bed and in her arms but
then she opened her eyes and saw the truth.
It wasn't Alice and it might never be Alice again.
When she realized this, Dana went into her standard mode of
operation and immediately began to isolate herself from Lara. Pulling away from
the chef in so many little ways that began to slowly pile up one after one.
Things like never offering up the details of her day unless asked and even when
asked, never speaking in depth on them and certainly never giving her feelings
on the events that happened to her. An indifference to what their plans would
be and the places they would go. The tennis player knew what she was doing to
Lara and she knew she was hurting the redhead but she couldn't seem to make herself
stop. She couldn't tell Lara the truth, that would hurt her too much, and she
couldn't end it herself without giving reason.
And they continued on this way until Lara finally ended
their romance out of frustration and hurt. Watching her walk off that day,
shoulders slumped in defeat and sadness, Dana hated herself but she knew it was
for the best. Because she couldn't forget Alice and if she couldn't forget
Alice then how could she ever really be able to truly give herself to Lara in
the way she knew the redhead wanted? It was impossible. But it wasn't nearly as
impossible as what Dana wanted most of all. To have her relationship with Alice
back, to once again have that love and that laughter and that limitless joy for
living.
Guilt and fear ate at her though and Dana had no idea how to
begin to do what she wanted. How to get Alice to forgive her and give them
another chance. Day after day she felt this goal floating further from her
reach until it suddenly became nothing more than a distant speck on the
horizon, far beyond her. It was at this point that Dana did what was most
familiar. She gave up. Drowning her sorrow over what was lost and what could
have been in alcohol binges, meaningless Hollywood parties, and nameless sex with
groupies.
Although the last thing that Dana wanted was to be facing
death part of her was strangely grateful for the cancer. Simply because without
it she wasn't sure she would have ever found the courage to go to Alice again.
She felt too much guilt and self hatred for what she had done to the blonde,
for the destruction she had caused both mentally and emotionally with the way
their romance ended, and she couldn't even begin to know what she needed to do
to fix it. Or if fixing it was possible in the first place. And so she did
nothing. Then she discovered what the lump in her breast meant. Denial was her
immediate and well favored reaction but it didn't last long because of the
persistent efforts of Lara and her family.
Death loomed in her thoughts and Dana knew she couldn't
leave things as they were. She didn't want to die, that was the very last thing
she wanted, but she also knew she couldn't start to really fight this disease
while being without Alice. There was no way she could survive this disease and
want to truly live if she didn't have the blonde with her as she had for so
many of the happier years before. Since the beginning of their relationship,
Alice knew the perfect thing to say or do. She was somehow able to make Dana
believe in herself when no else could and that was what the athlete knew she
would need in order to beat this illness.
Thus she summoned up the courage to stand at Alice's door a
little past midnight and found herself instantly rewarded for it. Things
weren't perfect, they weren't even close to be totally honest, but Dana didn't
care. She had Alice with her again and it was all she had ever wished for and
she knew that as long as Alice was there she could do this. That she could
defeat this cancer and she could quiet her fears and she could find a way to
regain that love and trust they had lost. If she had Alice with her, Dana felt
she could do practically anything.
My god, was it selfish.
Selfish to want Alice with her all the time, to want her
comforting words and touch, to want to see that soft look of affection that
made Dana feel so utterly loved. She was selfish to want all of this and more
when she had treated Alice so very badly and hadn't even begun to try and make
up for it. On the second day of her hospital stay after the lumpectomy Alice
arrived, sneaking in the athlete's favorite treats with Helena Peabody as her
accomplice, and though Dana knew they were close, she hadn't known the extent
of that closeness until her visit.
Upon seeing the large bulky sweater that Alice was wearing,
Dana couldn't help but wonder about the weather. It looked sunny and quite nice
from her window but if that was true, then why on earth would the blonde be
dressed that way? A grin quirked on Alice's lips at Dana's confusion and in a
rather grand gesture she lifted up her sweater to reveal a flattened looking
fanny pack attached to her midsection. The athlete simply blinked at this and
Alice made a noise of disappointment then commanded Helena to remove the pack
for her.
Watching Helena and Alice lightheartedly bicker and the
British woman's playful mocking of Alice's absolute aversion towards tootsie
rolls Dana felt an aching sort of longing. Because it was how they had been not
so long ago, her and Alice. They had acted the same, with an affectionate
teasing but also with an instinctive knowledge for the other person's feelings.
And while Dana thought she still knew Alice well, that she could read many of
her expressions and emotions she couldn't read them all. Not in the way she used
to.
But Helena could and what's more, she knew what they meant.
She knew what that tiny frown at the corner of her lips was about and why Alice
had that wistful sadness lurking behind her brown eyes. All of this, Helena had
knowledge of and Dana found herself jealous of it. Though it was hard for her
to continue to feel that way when she also knew, just by looking at the
heiress, that she felt jealous too. Jealous of Dana's history with Alice, with
that bond between them that just couldn't be broken, and how the blonde would
return so easily and eagerly to Dana's side despite all that had happened in
their relationship.
When Alice left for the bathroom and they were alone, Dana
couldn't help herself from speaking on it. While she didn't like to blame the
cancer for her actions that she knew were out of character or selfish or just
foolish, she couldn't seem to help it. Just because she knew that if she didn't
have this disease she wouldn't be acting this way, she wouldn't feel this
sudden urgent and consuming need to have things the way she wanted them because
she wasn't sure how much time she had left. Whether or not this was good in
terms of her actions, Dana wasn't sure. All the same, that was the truth of the
matter and it was why Dana spoke.
Speaking to Helena of the insecurity, of the doubt she had
from her inexperience, of how she didn't want to hurt Alice and the more she
didn't want to hurt her the more hurt she seemed to cause. Then she spoke on
her selfishness, her greed, how she knew asking Alice to come back to her, to
help her now, wasn't what was probably best for the blonde but she couldn't
help it. She needed Alice with her now and she wasn't going to let anyone take
her away.
There was silence and Helena said quietly that people were
not property and as such, they cannot be taken away. And she couldn't even
possibly try with Alice. Because it would never succeed since Alice wanted to
be with Dana as much as Dana wanted to have her there. Then her jaw tightened
and her eyes narrowed and she said in tones that were deadly soft that no
matter how ill the athlete was, it should never be used as an excuse to hurt
Alice again. That if she truly wanted to be with Alice then she had better go
about doing it in a proper manner and not muck it up as she had before. If she
wanted Alice back the same mistakes couldn't be made, not only for the writer's
sake but for Dana's as well.
Above all, Helena said, she had better know for certain that
this is what she really wanted. Because if she changed her mind again, if she
told Alice she wanted her, loved her, and then took that away it would surely
finish the job of their first break up and destroy her.
Mulling over this, Dana looked up at Helena, her expression
open and honest and she said Alice was all that she ever wanted. She had
somehow lost sight of that but she wouldn't make that mistake twice. And a
small smile from the heiress had been Dana's reward. But then the athlete felt
a sudden bout of mischievousness seize her and she pondered aloud if Alice's
best friends always fell in love with her. Then she speculated on the merits of
conducting a possible search for the writer's previous best friends, Ruth
Caruthers in third grade and Annie Flaherty during high school, to ask if this
Alice related phenomena applied to them as well.
When Alice returned Helena was in the middle of a fiercely
blushing protest in regards to her feelings for the writer which immediately
ceased with her presence. But even if it hadn't, any protests from Helena in regards
to her crush on Alice would've been in vain because Dana had been in her
position once and she knew what it was like. How it felt to go from being
someone who was completely alone, trapped in the image of what people thought
you were and what they wanted you to be, from someone that suddenly had Alice.
And how intoxicating it felt to realize that she didn't see you for anything
other than who you really were and to know that she wanted to hear your
problems, that she wanted to spend time with you, and that she wanted to
comfort you about things you felt were silly and stupid.
And most of all, Dana knew how impossible it was to not fall
at least a little bit in love.
---
Five days had passed since the lumpectomy and Dana had been
released from the hospital although part of her wondered if that was really
accurate. She was required to make so many visits to the hospital for her
follow up chemotherapy and radiation treatment that it seemed at times as if
she never left. Dr. Fields recommendation to use a neoadjuvant treatment
appeared to work minor wonders, reducing the size of the tumor enough that she
could avoid having a radical mastectomy and Dana couldn't quite express how
grateful she was for this.
Growing up, Dana had never been particularly concerned with
her looks in terms of what clothing she wore and how her hair was styled. She
enjoyed the times when her parents would plan a night out on the town for the
family because it was a fun sort of game to her. Dressing up in whatever fancy
gown that her mother helped her choose and hooking her arm into her father's
when they entered the beautifully ornamented fine arts theater to sit in the
exclusive balcony box seating because of the money their parents donated as
patrons.
Those were some of the happiest moments in her life but it
wasn't real to Dana. The girl in those beautiful gowns with perfect hair and an
easy smile wasn't her. It was just a fun bit of make believe and that was all
right with her. Part of her wondered, in those dark years where she had been
closeted and felt so desperately alone, if her parents wanted things to be
different. That they would prefer if the make believe Dana that was elegant and
pretty and the stereotypical feminine ideal so many people seemed to hold close
to their heart was their daughter instead of the clumsy and plain creature that
they got.
Certainly the make believe Dana fit far better into her
parents world of Republican fundraisers and black tie country club events. But
as much as she wanted to fit in, to be that person she thought her parents
wanted so very badly, she could never seem to do a good job at it. Her attempts
at looking what she felt to be typically heterosexual tended to result in
sundresses and clothing that managed to make Dana feel even worse about
herself. Which puzzled her because as a child, when she had dressed up and gone
out for the night with her parents she had loved it so much. And because of her
mother the dresses, make up, and hair style during those times were always far
more complicated than what Dana did herself as an adult.
That being so, how could she have possibly loved it? Looked
forward to it even? Perhaps it was because when she dressed up those times as a
child it had been what she wanted to do. But as an adult, though no one was
sticking a gun to her head and telling her to put on the plain brown pantyhose,
Dana felt that it was forced upon her.
When she first became friends with Alice, the writer
commented on her wardrobe, or lack thereof, and at first Dana thought that it
came from nothing more than her usual teasing. Then one day, she said as much
to Alice and her smile slowly faded and her eyes became so very sad that Dana
hated herself for causing them to look that way. And she started to say as much
but Alice gently stopped her and said the reason she kept bringing up the
sundresses and the bad executive power skirts was simply because they weren't
really Dana.
Being closeted was bad enough, Alice said, but Dana was
forcing herself to not only act the part but look it as well. Which was just a
more effective way of repressing who Dana was. Then she gave a wan but quirky
smile and remarked that if the athlete was so determined to play a straight
girl she should at least wear clothing she liked while doing so.
Only days after coming out and fearing she ruined her
relationship with her parents forever, Dana found herself forcibly removed from
her bed and unknowingly making prank calls to her mother because of Alice.
Though she should have expected it, Dana was surprised to find herself sitting
in a chair at Shane's salon and participating total image make over.
Some people might have thought that Alice was trying to
change who Dana was with those efforts but nothing could have been further from
the truth. It had never really been Dana during all those years of wearing
sundresses and carrying bulky purses. That was who she pretended to be, who she
thought her family and the world wanted, but it wasn't her.
Arranging the haircut and shopping trip for a new wardrobe,
they were just another way that Alice was trying to help Dana come out. To
finally be herself and feel comfortable in her own skin because from the start
that was all Alice ever wanted from Dana. Was for her to at last see herself
for who she really was, to see that she was beautiful and smart and charming
and goddammit being a lesbian didn't take any of that away.
In fact, if you asked Alice, it just made it better.
Several months later, in the midst of their romance, Alice
confessed into the comfortable darkness as they snuggled under the sheets after
a long session of making love that she had been stunned by the transformation.
That she knew deep in her heart that when Dana finally came out, when she
finally was able to truly love herself for who she really was, that she would
be that much more beautiful because of the happiness it would bring but Alice
hadn't been prepared for just how beautiful she would become. At first she felt
so very shallow and angry at herself for the sudden attraction she felt towards
Dana because of the new haircut and clothes. Then how fucking unbelievably
jealous of Tonya she felt because she had been there for all those years
before. When Dana was miserable and holding herself back and now after the endless
talks and the reassurances and the gentle barbs Dana at last understood that
she was beautiful, that she was a person that could be loved and wanted, and
Tonya, whom Alice felt didn't know or love Dana for who she actually was, got
to benefit from that.
There was such silence in the dark after Alice had said all
of this, enough that the blonde wondered if she had done something wrong. That
if the truth of her feelings on how Dana had never really been as beautiful as
she could have when she was closeted simply because she wasn't being herself
and she wasn't happy. And then she found herself suddenly turned and trapped
under the welcome weight of Dana's body.
And with their foreheads resting together, their faces
close, despite the lack of lighting Alice could see the tears in blue eyes and
she started to apologize but a searing kiss stopped her. Dana made love to her
fierce and urgent and when they were once again a tangle of limbs and breathing
heavily she said in the barest of whispers that Alice always made her feel
beautiful. From the very day they met, the blonde had done that for her.
When you put aside the sardonic remarks and the gentle
teasing, Alice had been perhaps the only steady source of compliments and
reassurances Dana received in her life. She always knew the exact thing to say
that managed to charm and put the athlete at ease. To make her feel beautiful
and smart and special and it was oh so fucking addictive.
It was why Dana wanted and needed Alice with her always,
though she had somehow forced herself to forget this. She still didn't
understand why they ended up they way they did. Why Alice became so clingy and
insecure and why she became so selfish and blind. Maybe it got to her, that
unexpected rush of utter confidence in herself after she came out and got
larger endorsements and more fans and a romance with the woman she wanted since
forever.
Howie would say Dana got a big head. That she became full of
herself and she lost track of what was important in her life. Caught up in the
heady sensations caused by having so many eyes on her in a way that wasn't
disapproving or stern but instead awe struck and lust filled.
Being wanted by thousands compared to just one was something
that Dana couldn't fight against. And she got so swept up in it, in the glitter
and the glamour and the endless approval she received wherever she would go.
But as this happened the further from Alice she became. Until one day she
wasn't with Alice at all and they were at a distance so painfully far apart
that Dana wondered if they could ever find their way back to one another again.
Now they had found their way back to each other because of
this disease and Dana knew it was petty and she knew it was small of her but
when Dr. Fields began explaining the process of having a mastectomy the first
thing that entered her head was that she was going back to being unwanted. That
she would lose the strangely magical Cinderella beauty transformation she had
gone through after coming out and it would be the same as before, when she was
closeted, and no one would want her.
She would return to how things had been. Where she loathed
being in her own skin and she couldn't stand to have the eyes of people focused
upon her. So when she found out that the neoadjuvant treatment could reduce the
size of the lump and avoid a mastectomy she almost cried from joy. Because it
would be difficult enough to find a way to have Alice love her, trust her, and
want her again without having to deal with her body being disfigured as well.
And she knew that it wasn't proper and that it wasn't
politically correct to think that but that's how Dana knew she would feel if
she was forced to have that operation, no matter the skill of the surgeon
performing it. That she would feel disfigured and less of a woman with her
breast suddenly missing. It was odd to realize that because Dana never
considered herself particularly girly or concerned about her looks but when she
thought about itÉ
Part of her would rather die.
God, that was such a fucking truly awful thing to think but
that was how she felt and Dana was so very glad she didn't have a reason to
voice this opinion. That the lump was small enough with the treatment to avoid
the more extensive surgery and while radiation and chemotherapy tended to leave
her fatigued and nauseous and it was causing her hair to begin to fall out it
was still far preferred to having a mastectomy. She didn't share this or her
increasing insecurity about her looks because of the side effects of the
treatment with anyone but somehow, as always, Alice knew and she had just the
right thing to say.
Late Wednesday afternoon, after finishing a wandering and
casual lunch, they curled together on the couch, listening to music as they
read from their separate selections. Dana flipped through the latest issue of
Tennis Magazine and Alice was busy rereading The Time Machine Did It. As the
times before, Dana had her head resting on a pillow in Alice's lap and lulled
into near sleep by the caress of the journalist's fingers absently combing
through her hair.
Chuckling softly at the bumblings of private detective Frank
Burly, Alice slid her fingers out of Dana's hair to flip the page. As she did
this, the writer couldn't help but notice several brown strands that were in
her grasp. Repressing the urge to verbalize the sadness she felt, Alice bit her
lip and carefully lowered her book. She had noticed the slow but steady
thinning of Dana's hair since she began the second part of her radiation and
chemotherapy treatment but she stopped herself from saying anything. Thinking
that it was best for the athlete to come to her but she was doubting that would
ever happen.
This couldn't go on, Alice could see Dana going back to how
she had once been. How she was during the days she was closeted, that same
insecurity and quiet self hatred starting to build up inside of her because of
the perception she believed that others had. For years she had fought to rid
the athlete of those feelings, of that absurd belief she wasn't as good or as pretty
or as smart as everyone else and Alice would be damned if those thoughts were
going to come back while Dana was fighting against this fucking disease.
"Hey Dane?" Alice began in tones she hoped were
casual. "Do you mind if I called Shane and asked her to come over tonight?
I have this idea and I sort of need her help for it."
Blinking her eyes slowly, Dana tilted her head back, doing
her best to recall what had been said to her. The only thing that stuck was
their friend's name. "Shane?" she echoed dimly, her expression
slightly fuzzy from the almost sleep.
"Yeah, Shane," said Alice, chuckling fondly and
smoothing some hair away from Dana's forehead, smiling when Dana sighed at her
touch and closed her eyes. "You know how you were thinking of doing some
stuff for breast cancer awareness? When I was looking into the various
organizations for you I remembered about this group that's sort of like Locks
of Love but they make hair pieces for everybody, not just kids eighteen and
younger. And I figured, I like having short hair!" Alice shrugged, her
voice squeaking a bit.
"You want Shane to cut your hair and give it
away?" asked Dana, looking puzzled.
"Are you doubting my hair's ability to be made into a
wig?" questioned Alice, managing to look believably hurt. "I'll have
you know my hair is prime material for wiggery."
"Wiggery? That's so not a word, Al," said Dana
with a laugh, scrunching her nose up.
"Wiggery is a word!" Alice exclaimed huffily,
poking Dana in the side and grinning when the tennis player squealed and curled
away from her touch. "I looked it up in the official Scrabble dictionary
once because Helena doubted its validity when I kicked her ass with four triple
word scores. It means a wig or wigs, false hair, or any cover or screen, as red
tapism."
"What the hell is red tapism?" Dana asked in dry
tones.
"I don't know, I never looked it up in the official
Scrabble dictionary," said Alice, shrugging her shoulders and grinning
impishly when Dana groaned in frustration at her response. They were quiet for
a few moments, then Alice ran the pad of her thumb across the tennis player's
tanned cheek as she murmured, "Shane could cut your hair too. That way if
you wanted to have a wig later on it wouldn't really be one, because it'd be
your own hair, you know?"
"You noticed it's falling out," said Dana gruffly,
squeezing her eyes shut and turning on her side, her face buried into the
cushions of her couch. Her vision was nothing but black but somehow she could
still picture Alice's face, beautiful but lined in that awful sympathy she
hated to see. She didn't want that from the writer, she didn't want fucking
sympathy and pity, she wanted her love. But more and more she wondered if
wanting that was futile.
Silence and then Dana felt warm breath tingling against her
skin and gentle hands caressing her back as Alice said, "Only because I
mess with your hair so much. If I wasn't such a touchy feely freak, I guarantee
that I wouldn't have noticed."
"You're not a touchy feely freak," Dana protested,
though her voice was mumbled as she continued to keep her face buried in the
cushions. Although now she had her eyes open for some reason. Which meant she
was no longer looking at darkness but instead fuzzy beige couch material.
"Do you think I should get my hair cut?"
"Only if you want to," said Alice gently. There
was more silence and then the noise of slight movement and suddenly Dana felt
herself embraced from behind, the blonde's body pressed up against the length
of hers and she sighed. Her body going lax as she sunk into Alice's arms. Warm
breath once again hit her skin as Alice continued, "Can we talk just, I
don't knowÉ sort of realistically about this, Dane?"
"Yeah," said Dana, squirming slightly so she could
look up at Alice, wanting to reassure because of the hesitation and fear she
heard in the blonde's voice. "We can."
"Your hair is going to keep falling out," Alice
said in a bare hush, her expression was pained at this thought and she sighed,
fingering the brown locks and looking so very sad. "It fucking sucks that
it's a side effect of the treatment which is going to make you better. I think
maybe, if you get your hair cut shorter, not only can you use it to make a wig
later on, but somehow it might not hurt as much." Shrugging her shoulders
and appearing utterly annoyed at herself for lacking the proper words, Alice
said, "Like maybe there's less to lose." She released a noise of pure
aggravation and muttered, "Forget it, okay Dane? It was stupid and I probably
just hurt your feelings. I mean, it's not like you're not still gorgeous. You
always will be fucking hot no matter what your hair looks like and I don't know
what I--"
"You think I'm gorgeous?" interrupted Dana, her
eyes wide and her brain fixated on the fact that Alice still found her
attractive despite everything she had been through. She knew she didn't look
her best, hell, she knew she didn't look anywhere close to it but if Alice
thought she looked goodÉ gorgeous in fact, then as sad as it sounded, that's
how Dana felt. "Really?"
"Really," echoed Alice, her hand cupping the
tennis player's cheek as she tenderly smiled. Then brown eyes went wide and she
wore a deer caught in headlights expression and said nervously, "I meant
gorgeous in a friendly way. Because we're just friends and I know that."
As she said this, Alice started to pull away from Dana who
frowned instinctively at the loss of contact and she held onto the blonde who
was continuing to make her physical retreat. This resulted in Alice hanging
halfway off the couch and looking up at Dana with nervous but disbelieving eyes
that told the athlete quite plainly that the other woman had no idea why Dana
was still holding on. Why she wouldn't simply let go already and want to have
Alice as far away from her as physically possible. And seeing that made the
tennis player just so impossibly sad but angry at the same time and in a rare
moment of total conviction, Dana pulled Alice to her and wrapped her up in a
close embrace. Burying her face in dark blonde locks and once again breathing
in the chocolate scent the writer carried that she had never noticed.
"I want you here," Dana whispered into Alice's
ear, pulling her even closer yet. Their bodies were close enough that she
didn't think there was any space between them but it still wasn't close enough
for her. She doubted it ever would be. "Please stay, Al."
Her heart caught in her throat and her eyes tearing up,
Alice swallowed hard and returned the embrace as she replied, her voice hoarse
with emotion, "For as long as you want."
---
A few hours later, Alice was at KCRW preparing for her radio
show and Dana was opening the door to reveal a grinning Shane. "Hey
Dane," Shane drawled, her voice a warm and comforting rumble as she walked
inside. Putting down the custom made leather case that held her hair styling
supplies, which was yet another example of an out of the blue sweet yet logical
present from Carmen, she drew Dana in for a hug. Then Shane murmured in the
tennis player's ear with affectionate humor, "Check me out. I'm not with
Carmen and I haven't broken into a cold sweat, started shaking uncontrollably,
or have any other withdrawal symptoms."
"For now," scoffed Dana, pulling back from the hug
and smiling at her friend. "And exactly how long has it been since you've
seen or spoken to her, hmm? That information is vital in order for me to
determine the seriousness of your addiction to being in love." Instantly,
Shane's mouth clamped shut and her pale cheeks reddened and Dana chuckled knowingly.
Poking her friend in the ribs, she said in teasing tones, "You just got
off the phone with her, didn't you? You were talking to her during the entire
drive over to my condo."
"I plead the fifth," said Shane, moving past Dana
to walk further into the condo. Stopping midway in her walk, she turned back to
Dana and wore a quietly confused expression. "Where do you want to do
this, Dane? Bedroom, kitchen, living room, or what?"
Frowning slightly as she considered this, Dana said, "I
don't know. Cutting my hair in the kitchen doesn't seem like a good idea
because it's sort of unhygienic but you would know more about the space you
would need to work in."
"I cut hair anywhere," said Shane easily as she
gave a shrug of her shoulders. "I once had to cut this client's hair in
the tiny ass bathroom in one of those dinky commercial airplanes because she
was on route to some D List awards show and kept insisting her hair look A
List."
"Did you make it look A List?" asked Dana wryly.
"She got a D List award at the ceremony," said
Shane with a pleased chuckle and a twinkle in her eyes. Tilting her head and
nodding it in the opposite direction, Shane said, "You got one of those
knock off antique dressing tables in your bedroom, right? We can use that. They
come with a mirror and usually a chair for you to sit in so it's pretty much
perfect."
"It's not a knock off!" cried Dana rather
indignantly, feeling very much like the daughter of a Republican socialite in
the irritation she felt on hearing that assumption. "That was a gift from
my father on my eighth birthday and it's the real thing. Check the drawer on
the left side and you'll see the certificate of authenticity."
"Right, right," said Shane, waving off Dana's
annoyance as she chuckled yet again and reached for her friend's hand to lead
her towards the bedroom. "Lets go already. If I don't get back to Carmen
before midnight I turn back into a useless dyke casanova."
"You're not useless," Dana said in firm tones,
frowning deeply and staring at her friend's slim shoulders as they walked
along. "Even when you were a casanova you were one of the best friends
I've ever had." Her voice filled with more than a little self disgust, she
said, "I was horrible to you when I was closeted but you never held it
against me. You tried to help me with girls and when I came out you did my
makeover for free." They were now in the bedroom and Shane had stopped in
her walk to turn and study Dana with dark eyes that were veiled with concern.
"Don't ever say you're useless, Shane. Because for me and Carmen and I
can't even say how many others you really aren't." Releasing a short
laugh, Dana rubbed at her eyes that were misty with tears and said,
"You're probably only sane influence in our lives, in fact."
"Dane?" said Shane in a soft and worried murmur,
putting the case down on the bed and walking over to her friend to clasp her
arms in a gentle embrace. She ducked her head down to meet their eyes and when
she did, she asked, "You okay?"
"No," said Dana, sniffling slightly and rubbing at
her eyes some more before she gave a long shuddering sigh. Sinking into Shane's
arms, she rested her head on the hair stylist's shoulder and her voice cracked
as she said, "I don't want you to think you're useless, Shane. I was
horrible to you when I was closeted, god, I was so horrible to so many people
and I don't want them thinking that's what I'm really like. And I can't leave
things that way, you know? But it's almost too much. I don't think I can even
start to fix it allÉ"
"Why would you be leaving?" asked Shane, a lump
building up in her throat and a sickening sinking feeling taking over her
stomach as she wondered if maybe Dana wasn't fighting against this disease as
hard as they all thought she was. "Your treatment is going good, isn't it?
That's what you said yesterday when all of us met up for lunch at The
Planet."
"I don't want to die but I can't stop thinking about it
because I know it could happen," Dana confessed in the quietest of
whispers, pulling away from Shane and taking a slow and mechanical walk over to
her dressing table. "And the more I think about it the more I get scared I
won't have enough time to fix everything I did wrong. If I dieÉ" Dana's
voice trailed off and Shane watched as the athlete reached out to tightly grip
the Mahogany wood, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. "She has
to know how much I love her. I can't leave herÉ no, I won't leave her thinking
I'm scared and she was the one who ruined things between us because it was just
as much my fault things fell apart as it was hers. Actually," she paused
to release a bitterly sad laugh that caused Shane to wince. "It's probably
more my fault since it was what I did that made her act that way. I'm the cause
and she's the effect."
"Then tell Alice how you feel," said Shane simply.
When Dana's head jerked up and her blue eyes went wide, she said, "If it's
got you torn up in knots this bad, Dane, then tell her. You have to or it's
going to keep eating at you and that can't be good for your treatment. For you
to be distracted and miserable and hating yourself for how you and Al broke up.
You're cleaning your body of the cancer but not your heart. It's still getting
eaten away because of this guilt you have and it has to stop, Dane. There's no way
you can get better if it doesn't."
"I know," Dana whispered, her voice nothing more
than a hush and her head hanging low as she slowly sat down in the chair in
front of the dressing table. Her gaze fixed on her hands that were clenching
and unclenching in a nervous gesture, she continued, "I want to tell her
everything, Shane. How I was insecure about my feelings because I had so little
experience next to her. I had only been with four other women when we got
together and the only time I had really been in love was when I was sixteen but
I was a kid then. I was so scared because I didn't trust myself to know what
love really felt like and when Lara came back and I was still attracted to her
I felt like that meant I wasn't really in love with Al." Looking up at
Shane with watery eyes and her face lined with an almost unfathomable sadness,
Dana choked out, "And I broke up with her and I ruined things so much,
Shane. It was like I destroyed her with the way I handled it and she was hurt
so badly but when I came to her and told her I was sick it was like that all
went away. But that was only at first because now I can see the difference. She
has to think about it when she wants to hug me or give me compliments and
sometimes even when she does she gets this look like she's afraid I'm going to
scream for the police."
"Dane," Shane breathed her name more than said it.
The night that they found out about the tennis player's illness she had known
something else was wrong. That her friend was again carrying a burden of guilt
and self hatred as she had done in the days when she was closeted but she
hadn't known it was this bad. And now that she did know, despite how angry Dana
would be to learn this, she felt utterly useless because she didn't have the
slightest idea of how to comfort her. Despite her romantic reputation she had
always been someone that gave reassurance through words more than touch,
although she did use both. It was just that Shane had chosen her words
carefully since she was a child and she honestly felt most comfortable in
speaking her thoughts low and reasoned and soft to put her listener at ease.
But she couldn't do that now because she was at a loss for what to say and so
Shane walked over to her friend and drew her close for a hug. Dana rested her
head against Shane's stomach as her arms wrapped around her tight while she
cried softly. Bending down to kiss the top of the athlete's head, Shane
rumbled, "Tell me how I can help."
"You can't," said Dana in between her tears,
sounding heart broken from having to say this. Shaking her head side to side,
Dana's trembling body began to calm as she said, "I don't think anyone
can." Pulling away slowly, Dana seemed to calm even more as she wiped at
her eyes with the back of her hands. Then she looked up at Shane with a sad and
sober stare and whispered, "Because I made her afraid to be in love with
me."
---
After each treatment session Dana would get quiet. It wasn't
the scary sort of quiet or the cute shy kind but a thoughtful quiet that
reflected a contemplative mood. Normally Alice would allow this quiet to last
around thirty minutes before she ended it with a casual comment. The quiet had
lasted for about ten minutes during their drive when Alice noticed the longing
expression that Dana wore as she gazed out the window at the distant beach
scenery. An impromptu plan forming in her mind, Alice grinned happily and
missed the first in the series of turns that led directly back to the athlete's
condo.
"Al?" said Dana, frowning in confusion.
"Where are you going? You just missed the turn."
"On purpose!" Alice declared with a huge grin.
Taking one hand off the steering wheel she waved it in a large and rather grand
gesture to where they were now headed. "We're going to the beach,
Fairbanks. I think we've both had enough of the stimulating sites of the
hospital, your condo, my apartment, and ever faithful The Planet. I think
we," she drawled while she lifted up an eyebrow comically. "Need some
beach blanket bingo."
"I don't know who I want to be, Frankie or
Annette," said Dana, grinning and suddenly feeling that much happier.
Until that second she hadn't realized just how sick she was of going back to
the same places over and over again. Taking a trip to the beach with Alice was
a wonderful change of pace. "I liked them both equally in those
movies."
"I'll be Frankie. I'm more butch anyway," remarked
Alice easily.
"You are not more butch than me!" cried Dana with
something close to outrage. They had this discussion countless times and the
tennis player still couldn't quite grasp how Alice thought she could be more
butch than someone who played sports for a living. "Stop saying that.
There's no way you can be more butch because you run like a girl."
"I don't run like a girl," huffed Alice, forming a
good natured scowl. "I run like someone who hates running and tries to run
badly on purpose in order to frustrate the freakish people with her who like
running and end up wanting to stop because of how badly she runs."
"I'm not sure how but I understood that completely,"
Dana murmured, her forehead lined in contemplation. A tiny grin tugged at her
lips as she looked at the blonde and said, "You know that you're the only
person in the universe who would actually spend their time thinking up a plan like
that, right? Most would just say they don't want to run."
"The universe is a vast place, Dana," said Alice
in put upon somber tones. "There could be others who fake girly running
for the same valid reasons as I."
Releasing a soft snort at this, the tennis player rolled her
eyes and looked out the window at the beach which was getting closer by the
second. A light and excited feeling of happiness seized her and Dana rested her
forehead against the window and murmured, "Thank you for doing this, Al. I
didn't know how much I needed it until now."
"Hey," said Alice in a quiet whisper, a hint of a
frown touching her features as she rested a gentle hand on the athlete's
shoulder. When Dana turned to look at her, she smiled gently and said,
"Whatever you want and need, remember? That's what I'm here for."
"I remember," said Dana as she threaded her
fingers through the writer's for a tender hold. Looking up at Alice who had her
eyes back on the road, she said in an indecipherable murmur under her breath,
"How could I forget?"
A comfortable silence took over until they reached the beach
and Alice parked the mini, taking in their surroundings and the hot dog vendor
a short walking distance away as she did so. "We can get lunch
later," she commented with a grin.
Following the blonde's stare, Dana smiled upon seeing the
hot dog vendor. No matter how much she or Helena or any of their other friends
tried, Alice couldn't be shaken from her love of eating unhealthy food.
"Sure," she replied amiably as she opened the door of the car and got
out. "But after my stomach settles. I always feel nauseousÉ" Dana
trailed off not really wanting to say the words radiation or chemotherapy or
even treatment. Instead she swallowed her suddenly very dry throat and decided
on saying, "After."
"Whatever you want," said Alice quietly though a
bright smile lit up her features, one that Dana couldn't help but return.
Especially when the journalist reached out to hold her hand and give it a
squeeze. "Well? What should we do first, Dane? Take a walk? Build a sand
castle? Hide from hermit crabs because you're still traumatized one attached
itself to your big toe?"
"That crab was evil! You can still see the scar on my
toe!" Dana exclaimed, her cheeks turning red and instinctively squinting
as she looked at the beach for any suspected crabs hiding in the litter, such
as discarded soda cans, which the crab that had attacked her had done.
"Crabs aren't capable of being evil, they have tiny
brains. If you ask me, it takes a somewhat large brain to be evil," said
Alice with a chuckle. She smiled fondly as she watched Dana continue to search
the beach for hermit crabs and studied her profile. The tennis player turned to
her and started to say something but it faded away into a sweet smile and
before she knew it, Alice found herself lightly touching the ends of Dana's
newly cut and far shorter hair. "Shane did a good job," she said in
thoughtful tones, fingering the soft strands. "You look great."
"Yeah?" asked Dana uncertainly. Reaching up, she
touched the back of her hair and while the athlete wanted to thank Alice for
the compliment she wondered if it was really true or the writer was just saying
that to make her feel good.
Worrying about things like that was the reason why Dana
hadn't told Alice of her feelings. That she was still in love with her and
wanted them to be together again because part of her wondered if maybe Alice
would go along with it just to make her happy because she was fighting this
cancer. And as much as she loved Alice, that was the last thing Dana wanted.
Yes, she desperately wanted them back and she would do almost anything to
repair the damage caused to their relationship with the way things had ended
but the idea of the journalist being with her out of sympathy or pity or just
that selfless kindness Alice exhibited so often with her friends was enough for
the tennis player to wish herself dead.
For so long in her life Dana had settled for second best.
She took what she thought she could get and she tried to make herself happy
with it but it never worked because she was never really happy. Not in the true
sense of the word. There would be no settling when it came to her feelings for
Alice. It had to be all or nothing. A real and genuine love, the kind that made
her heart nearly beat out of her chest and her head to feel dizzy at the
slightest kiss. If she couldn't have that then as much as it hurt, Dana would
rather be friends with Alice because her heart wouldn't allow anything else.
When she was with Alice again it had to be perfect and she had to be absolutely
sure it was what they both wanted. That they were both really and truly in
love.
How many moments passed as Dana found herself lost in her
thoughts were beyond her but she was brought back to the present by the gentle
touch of Alice holding her chin and lifting her head up. Looking up into
earnest brown eyes that held such love and affection she felt like crying at
it, Dana closed her eyes and sighed as Alice cupped her cheeks, caressing her
skin in a whisper soft touch. "You look so good with short hair,
Dane," Alice said in a hushed murmur, stepping closer to duck her head
down while speaking into the athlete's ear. Her hands fell away from Dana's
face to wrap around her waist, pulling her into a comforting embrace that the
athlete instinctively returned. Then Alice said playfully, "Better than me
even."
Laughing through her tears, Dana buried her face in Alice's
neck and she knew they were probably being looked at by anyone who was passing
by but she couldn't seem to care. Not when she was in Alice's arms and
everything felt so very right with the world. They stayed like that until her
ears caught the faint sound of carnival type music and she lifted her head from
Alice's shoulder to stare at a building a block or so away.
A grin immediately formed on her features as she realized
what the building was and Dana looked to Alice who wore a fond but expectant
look on her face. "You knew," she said in slightly accusing but
entirely pleased tones. "You knew that there was a fun and game center
that had skeeball on this part of the beach, didn't you?"
"Perhaps," said Alice, attempting to sound rather
lofty as she grinned and squeezed Dana's hand which she was now holding.
"Come on, Fairbanks. Lets try and break our skeeball records. What was the
total ticket amount the last time we did this? Three hundred and fifty?"
"It was three thousand and fifty!" cried Dana in
something close to outrage. "You can't get anything with three hundred and
fifty tickets but that lame oversized plastic comb, Al."
"I don't care what you or Shane says, that comb could
totally be used by the freakishly tallest members of the NBA or maybe
Bigfoot," said Alice stubbornly, nodding her head for emphasis.
"Right," said Dana as she rolled her eyes humorously.
Her smile widened as Alice began her theory about how the
taller NBA players could be somehow related to Bigfoot and as they walked into
the fun and game center, the sounds of buzzers and whizzers and the kaching of high
scores being made Dana couldn't believe just how happy she felt. She knew it
wasn't because of the games or the fact that next to tennis she loved skeeball
above all other sports but instead the fact that Alice had done this for her.
And as they walked to the counter to pay for their game tokens, Dana wondered
if Alice's heart was a prize sitting on that huge and seemingly endless wall
filled with objects often beyond comprehension how many tickets it would cost
to win.
Whatever the amount, it could never come close to the actual
value.
---
