TITLE: All The White Horses

SERIES: The L Word

AUTHOR: Dreiser

EMAIL: dreiser7@yahoo.com

YAHOO ID: dreiser7

MY WEBSITE: http://www.dreiser.net/

CONTENT: S3 spoilers. F/F romance. Alice/Dana. Danish.

SUMMARY: Alice and Dana reunite only to face a separation they can do little to prevent.

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my disdain for the direction IC is taking Alice and Dana separately and as a couple in S3.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Originally I was planning to write this story as just a huge one shot novel and I guess I still am. But instead of writing it and releasing it altogether I'm breaking it up into five parts and releasing them as such because somehow it seems like that makes the task of writing this easier. Everyone and their cousin is hopping onto the write about Dana getting cancer bandwagon and now I guess I'm one of them. Oh well. WARNING! This fanfic is depressing and angsty and you know the rest. Oh yeah! And thanks so much to Chris who read my ramblings on Livejournal about this fanfic and offered up both her time and knowledge of breast cancer to help me out with this piddling fanfic. You rock much. I do thank you and hopefully I've written things correctly here. If not, well. Someone out there do yell at me. Writing angsty fics like this is a weird task for me and I'm always iffy on quality so... feedback is sort of desired more than normal given this fic.

 

http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/winter.mp3

 

Winter by Tori Amos is the song that I got the title of this fic from. It's unbearably sad and poignant and fits the story. The lyrics I love best and named this fic after are the following:

 

"When you gonna make up your mind. When you gonna love you as much as I do. When you gonna make up your mind. Cause things are gonna change so fast. All the white horses have gone ahead. I tell you that I'll always want you near. You say that things change, my dear."

 

Ah. I love it so. It's fucking sad but so very wonderful at the same time. And it's songs like this that make me worship Tori Amos for now and always.

 

http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/spineless.mp3

 

Spineless by Alanis Morissette is the song that Alice references while talking to Helena in The Planet about her relationship with Dana and what she became towards the end of it when she became ultra clingy. I've been on a strange Alanis kick lately which my girlfriend has dealt with very well, bless her heart. I mean, she's listened to likeÉ nine versions of You Oughta Know within the span of three days. Ah. I love her. My gf, not Alanis. Though Alanis rocks. Especially for the brilliant lyrics she came up with for this song. Here they are:

 

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alanismorissette/spineless.html

 

Don't know Urban Dictionary? You should! It kicks all kinds of ass and it should have an entry for vampirologist. It did the last time I was there, anyway. Although it could be under review again. That's what happened when I looked up whigger last week. Hmmm. Mysterious!

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

 

http://www.dreiser.net/mp3/scientist.mp3

 

The song playing as Alice has her late night conversation with Helena on her cell phone and Dana sleeps in her lap is a cover of the song The Scientist by Coldplay. The people doing the cover are Johnette Napolitano and Danny Lohner. For random information sake I'll say now that Johnette has probably been tied with Tori Amos since I was sixteen as my favorite female vocalist. I have everything she's ever done, including random stuff like No Talking, Just Head and super rare shit like Sketchbook. She kicks much ass.

 

Want to read my fanfics without the pages? Visit my personal fanfic website here:

 

http://www.dreiser.net/

 

 

 

All The White Horses

 

By: Dreiser

 

 

Part OneÉ

 

If there was anything that Dana Fairbanks had a lifetime worth of experience in it was being in denial. From her own sexuality, to her relationship with Alice imploding, and now to the state of her rapidly decreasing health she had managed to steep herself in enough denial while telling herself that everything was fine that she almost believed it.

 

Almost but not quite.

 

Because not even Dana could convince herself everything was fine when she was sitting inside of the excruciatingly white painted office of Oncologist, Dr. Tyler Fields. She was there because Lara asked it of her and Dana couldn't seem to deny the redhead anything. Not after the way she treated her in the past weeks as she ignored her family, friends, and everything that used to matter to her just to join the massive herd of tabloid documented in crowd celebrities.

 

How had things gotten like this? Though it seemed like it was a lifetime ago, at this time last year she had been blissfully happy and head over heels in love. Then it all fell apart and Dana had never been completely sure of the reason why.

 

Yes, it had to do with Alice's insecurity in relationships. The fact that she had been left over and over by those who claimed to care for her. That the ones who mattered most to Alice were those who betrayed her the deepest. And yes, it had to do with the fact her relationship with Lara never had come to a comfortable resolution. But that didn't explain the aftermath of their break up. The harassing calls, the near car chases, and the angry diatribes on the radio that had gone on and on until it seemed as if they might never stop.

 

Then suddenly one day they did stop and Dana found herself going from days to a week to a month to almost seven months with little knowledge of what was going on in Alice's life. She could've asked their friends but as she pulled away from the blonde due to her behavior, Dana couldn't help but pull away from their friends as well. She didn't want to make anyone take sides and she couldn't help but think that Alice needed their support more than she did.

 

So when on a whim she turned on the radio to listen to The Chart while driving to yet another pointless Hollywood party the last thing she expected to hear was Alice laughing happily while gently teasing Helena Peabody about the oddities of being British. She listened as they talked about aimless things, like why Helena called the hood of a car a bonnet and how wrong it was that she didn't know what Little House On The Prairie was.

 

And listening to their comfortable banter, jealousy seized Dana. White hot and fucking intense jealousy and she knew that despite their break up, her near affair with Lara, and Alice's crazed behavior, she was still in love with the journalist. She had never stopped being in love with Alice, in fact. What she had done was force herself to forget that she was in love with Alice and that Alice was in love with her. Simply because being in love with each other had become nothing but a source of heart wrenching pain and problems for them both.

 

She had tried to forget her own heart and nothing good can ever come from that.

 

Dana found herself pulled out of her musings by the loud squeak of the office door opening and closing. Running on automatic, she shook Dr. Fields hand, sat back in her chair, and let Lara reach for the same hand to hold it in a gesture of support. Listening to the doctor as he talked, Dana found herself focusing on the fact that he had one lone white hair on his head of perfectly coiffed brown hair and she wondered how it had managed to escape his notice. He was a successful physician, that much was clear from the large size of his creepily sterile office. Shouldn't he have a hair stylist that took care of such things for him? But perhaps the single white hair was a new phenomena and simply wasn't present during his last styling appointment. Pondering this, Dana stared at the white hair and continued to stare at it as he told her that the biopsy had been conclusive.

 

It was stage three breast cancer.

 

Someone made a noise that was half a strangled sob and half a raging curse against the world. The tennis player wasn't sure if it was her or Lara who had made it but staring at the single white hair as Dr. Fields began discussing the options for treatment, Dana thought that it had to have been Lara. Because she didn't even feel real right now. This didn't feel real. It felt like a fucked up dream like the one she had after eating too much candy and drinking too much booze on Halloween three years ago. The dream where she had been a US Marshal and Alice was kidnapped by the lesbian version of Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs.

 

But when she finally left Dr. Fields and his single white hair and his sterile office, she stubbed her toe on the doorway and that was when she knew it wasn't just a fucked up dream. Because it hurt and Dana knew when things hurt, really and truly, that they could never be a dream.

 

---

 

"I simply cannot see the purpose of it, darling," murmured Helena in entirely calm and humorously staid tones as she took a slow sip of her coffee and arched an eyebrow at Alice. "I've always felt when it came to romance it was the quality and not the quantity of one's experience. This speed dating folly seems to follow the latter, which I have no use for."

 

"But you have a use for me, don't you?" asked Alice, giving a playful grin and batting her eyelashes in a way that Helena couldn't help but chuckle at. "Come on, Helena! I can't speed date alone. What if I run into more vampirologists, huh? I need you for back up in case they want to suck my blood," Alice drawled the last words out in a bad Transylvanian accent.

 

"I was under the impression you liked Uta," Helena replied smartly, taking another drink of her coffee and averting her eyes. Uta, along with Richard, Susan, Vinnie, Marcy, and Marcie were the reasons that Helena didn't feel quite so eager to accompany Alice on another speed dating encounter. Though part of her felt it was futile and almost entirely ridiculous, she found herself developing a crush on the blonde journalist. That being so, the last thing she wanted to do was be forced to watch her flirt with an endless amount of men and women at a speedy and timed pace. "Or was your phone call informing me that you never thought you would have sex like this again simply in grave error?"

 

"It was pretty amazing sex," said Alice, grinning impishly and looking incredibly pleased with herself for being the one to have the amazing sex. "But the biting got to be a bit much. Not that she bit in a way that was all, suck your blood," Alice did the bad Transylvanian accent again and waved her hands about in emphasis. "But just too much biting, you know?"

 

"Perhaps," said Helena who formed a tiny smile of amusement.

 

"Don't you perhaps me," said Alice, forming a half scowl and pointing a finger at Helena. "You're all with the converting the straight girl gig over there. And she's a straight girl with a guy's name! A guy on Beverly Hills 90210 name at that."

 

"I wasn't aware I was attempting to convert a woman named Steve," said Helena sardonically, stating the only male character on the show she could manage to remember.

 

"Steve?" said Alice, scoffing. "Oh please. Steve was so lame and you don't even know a guy named Steve, much less a woman, Helena. You know I'm talking about Dylan here."

 

"I was always fond of Brenda," murmured Helena, thinking of Shannen Doherty's character. "Though they portrayed her as the good girl of sorts she managed to be so wonderfully wicked at certain points. It was terribly entertaining."

 

"Brenda did kick ass," agreed Alice with a nod. They remained in silence, musing over how much ass Brenda did in fact kick on Beverly Hills 90210 when Alice suddenly remembered the original point of this conversation. To get Helena to agree to accompany her on another speed dating encounter. Deciding that her normally wheedling and super cute tactic wouldn't get her anywhere today, Alice stared at Helena and said in dry tones, "All right, Peabody. Lets have it. Are you going to come speed dating with me or what?"

 

Gazing into wide brown eyes that held definite affection and a hopeful light that couldn't be ignored, Helena sighed and said, "Very well, darling. I shall go speed dating with you again." Alice released a happy cry and clapped her hands while doing a strange wiggling dance in her seat. Chuckling at this, Helena pointed at the blonde and said, "But you must understand that this is to be the very last time. To say the least, I'm none too fond of this perversely modern form of minimized and time saving romance."

 

Alice started to reply but the words died in her mouth when she caught sight of Dana coming out of the employee's only area with Lara hot on her heels. This was the first time that she had seen the tennis player in The Planet since Helena encouraged her to start frequenting the cafe again. And it was the first time she had seen Dana in person since she had managed to return to herself again. Herself being someone no longer dangerously fixated on the woman she was in love with to the point she lost who she was as an individual. Which only succeeded in driving Dana away completely. It had taken months of therapy and medication and tears and on the air soul searching and a lot of late night talks with Helena and some amazing vampirologist sex but Alice finally felt okay again. Seeing Dana didn't even hurt in the way she expected it would. Not a sharp stabbing pain that seized her body but more of a dull ache and a sadness for what had been and what was lost because of the mistakes made on both of their parts.

 

"Alice?" Helena's worried murmur jerked Alice out of her thoughts and she smiled weakly when the British woman reached across the table to hold her hand. "Do you wish to leave?"

 

"No," said Alice, shaking her head. Closing her eyes, she released a whoosh of breath then smiled larger and much more confidently as she opened her eyes. "I'm fine," she assured, squeezing Helena's hand gently. "I just wasn't expecting to see her so soon. This is only my third time coming back here after everything that's happened."

 

Nodding her head at this, Helena peered over at Dana who was still in the midst of having a minor argument with Lara and it seemed as if the brunette was ready to leave at any second. "Didn't Jenny tell us that Dana and Lara had broken up?" said Helena, frowning and finding herself unusually curious. The reason why was all too evident to herself. She had a crush on Alice and Alice was still in love with Dana, even after everything that had occurred between them, and some perverse part of her considered the athlete competition because of that. Even though Alice didn't see her remotely in a romantic sense and Helena had no plans to alter that as of yet. Though she loved the blonde dearly, she was exhausted with pursuing women that were in love with someone else. If she were to approach Alice she would have to know the journalist was completely over Dana. And right now Helena knew that just wasn't the case. "I wonder what their argument pertains to. Perhaps the party Dana was photographed in last week where she was visibly out of sorts and Lara was with her?"

 

"Maybe," breathed Alice, wincing when she watched Dana give the chef her silent and most stubborn stare. She had seen that look endless amount of times before they broke up and she knew it wasn't something that was fun to be on the receiving end. "In three," Alice whispered more to herself than Helena who frowned in confusion at her words. Counting down in her head, Alice watched as on the number three Dana turned on her heel and walked away from Lara only to stop upon spotting Alice. Their eyes locked and in that moment she saw the fear and the hurt and the worry and the desperation and she knew, she just knew, that something was horribly wrong and that it didn't have anything to do with the break up with her or Lara or any of the other problems Alice knew through their friends that Dana was experiencing. It was something else and it was big and it was eating away at the tennis player. Then Dana tore her gaze away from Alice, swallowed visibly, and made her way out of The Planet. Watching after her with a longing expression she didn't even realize she was wearing, Alice murmured, "Something is really wrong. I can tell."

 

"Darling?" asked Helena worriedly.

 

"I want to ask," Alice continued as she stared after Dana, no longer able to see the athlete but simply looking in the direction that she had gone down the street. "I want to talk to herÉ find out what's wrong and help her but I can't." Looking to Helena, her eyes filled with unshed tears, Alice said hoarsely, "I can't do that anymore, Helena. Because IÉ I don't knowÉ" Alice shook her head and released a growl of frustration. "I became all subservient and spineless and a fucking pretty appendage like in that song by Alanis."

 

"Alanis Morissette?" said Helena, still feeling rather perplexed but grateful she had some idea what Alice was speaking of now. A mutual love of music had helped to solidify and strengthen their friendship in its earliest stages and because of that, she held a decent knowledge of almost every artist and band that the blonde held a fondness for. "Which album? Jagged Little Pill, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie, So-Called Chaos, or Under Rug Swept?"

 

"So-Called Chaos," said Alice absently. "Track nine, Spineless. The one that starts off like, 'I won't see my dear friends as much. Male friends especially.' And it's all focused on her talking about how she'll change herself to make the person she's in love with happy."

 

"Ahh," said Helena wisely, nodding her head. "I like that song very much and I can see why you would find it comparable to what happened so many months ago."

 

"I hate that I became like that," said Alice in a mutter, clenching and unclenching her hands. Looking up at Helena, she said, "And I really hate that because I became like that I can't help the woman who was my best friend for years when I know that she's hurting."

 

"You can still go to her, darling," said Helena in comforting suggestion. When Alice looked at her skeptically, she chuckled and said, "Did or did not Jenny and Shane both tell you that they felt Dana wished to speak with you again? Perhaps now is the perfect time to reach out to her." Alice nibbled on her bottom lip, appearing to nervously consider Helena's words. When the British woman clasped her hand in a warm hold she peered into smiling blue eyes as Helena said, "Years of devoted friendship and unwavering love cannot be destroyed by merely a few months of temporary madness. You ought to ring her if you truly think something is wrong."

 

"Maybe," said Alice, heaving a soft sigh. "I want to call her but I think I'm going to hold off. Therapy and all of that let me realize that it wasn't totally my fault that we broke up but everything I didÉ I still can't believe I treated Dana that way," Alice grimaced, sounding disgusted with herself. "I think because of that I should keep doing what I have been. Give her plenty of space and let time attempt to heal the fucked up wounds or something."

 

"If you do such a thing how will Dana know that when she is ready you will be there waiting?" asked Helena reasonably, halfway hating herself for pointing out flaws in Alice's reasoning but feeling compelled to do so because the blonde was her friend. Her first real and true friend and as such, she couldn't sit back and watch her throw away a possible chance of reconciliation with the woman she still loved and cared for so very much.

 

"What should I do then?" asked Alice, entirely frustrated.

 

Mulling over this, Helena tilted her head to one side then said, "Perhaps you should do a bit of both. Approach Dana and apologize the best you can for all that has occurred between you that you carry guilt over then let her know you feel something is wrong with her and though you did hurt her badly, you love her still and she remains your best friend and you wish to help her. Though you do understand if she's not ready for such a thing and this conversation is meant to let her know that if she should need you, only a call is required and you will be there."

 

"Damn," said Alice softly and looking at Helena with certain admiration. "You're good."

 

"Thank you," said Helena as she made a show of preening at this compliment and caused Alice to chuckle. Shifting into a more serious expression, she murmured, "Then you'll consider my suggestion and perhaps talk with Dana in such a manner?"

 

"Yeah, I will," said Alice, smiling softly. "But you're completely wrong about one totally important thing," she said, shaking her finger at Helena and giving a mock scowl.

 

"What's that?" asked Helena, frowning and wondering what it was.

 

Leaning across the table and putting her face close to Helena's as she playfully tapped the British woman on the nose, Alice drawled, "You're my best friend, not Dana. And it's been that way for months, even though apparently you never knew it."

 

"Ah," said Helena dimly, staring at Alice with wide eyes as a slow smile worked its way across her features. Though a tiny part of her wanted more she was truly impossibly happy to hear that Alice thought of her in that respect. Before getting to really know the journalist, she hadn't been aware there could be friendships like this. Ones that were strong but simple and unwavering to the point where Helena was confident that nothing could happen to break their bond apart. But now she did know and she was so very glad to discover that Alice valued their relationship in the same manner that she did. "I am sorry, darling. But you do know I have moments of social buffoonery about certain things. Friendship being one of them. Though you are doing splendidly well in fixing that."

 

"I better!" said Alice almost huffily, dropping back into her seat and grinning at Helena. "You are my best friend, after all."

 

"Yes," murmured Helena, smiling softly. "I am."

 

---

 

For almost the entire span of her career, Dana had been among the numbers of top ten ranked players but she had never managed to be number one. Instead she was always three or four and a few lucky times two and though her competitive nature made her always strive to be the best, to be the prized place of number one, she was still proud to be in the top ranked numbers. Because, honestly, there were hundreds if not thousands of players out there and being among those in the top ten seated numbers is something to be proud of indeed.

 

Because of this desire and a long held commitment to the sport and being the best, Dana played her with her whole heart no matter what the circumstances. Whether it be a practice match with her trainer Lucia, the qualifying match for the US Open, or even a charity event intended to raise money and provide fun, Dana played with her whole heart.

 

Tennis was what she was good at and at times it seemed to Dana that it was possibly the only thing she was good at. She didn't quite understand people, her shy nature as a child and then being closeted for such a long time caused her to feel constantly separated and put her far apart from others. There was an edge of fear and worry that stuck to any form of social contact she experienced and the only place Dana felt comfortable was on the tennis court.

 

Simply because tennis didn't care that she was a lesbian and it didn't care that she had no social skills and it didn't care that she had stage three breast cancer. It only cared that Dana showed up and played to the very best of her ability and for years she had done that.

 

But now it seemed that task was beyond her.

 

The tournament was meant to be a fun event. Fun for her to play and fun for the audience to watch as both the players and their fans enjoyed the fact that they were raising money to donate to the relief effort in the Gulf Coast. But tennis could never be truly fun for Dana if she knew she wasn't playing to the best of her ability and she knew that was the case right now. She was short of breath and she was getting tired, so tired, to the point she was afraid she might collapse before the match was over. Part of her wanted to end it now by simply giving up and letting her opponent score the last point but she couldn't.

 

She had never given up or lost a game on purpose in her life and she wasn't about to start doing it now. And so she kept playing, but she played slow and almost clumsy, enough that longtime fans of hers frowned and murmured among themselves with worry. Dana wasn't playing like Dana and there had to be some reason for it, some explanation.

 

One that her family were currently demanding Lara provide them with and the redhead was nervously trying to avoid having to give. Just because she didn't think it was her place to tell Dana's family that she was ill as she had made Dana promise to tell her friends and family and start her treatment in at least two days. If she didn't do it by then Lara said no matter how angry Dana might become with her she would do it herself because she could deal with losing her friendship with Dana but not with Dana losing her life. But it still bothered Lara, despite her promise, as the athlete had this habit of shutting down completely in terms ignoring her emotions. It was something that had always worried the chef when it came to the tennis player and it was why they had ended their romance for the very last time.

 

No matter how attracted Lara was to Dana she couldn't seem to get beyond the athlete's habit of closing herself off from others. She wouldn't share what was bothering her with the redhead and one of the most essential parts of being involved with someone, for Lara at least, was to know what was going on in their lives and how they felt about such things. With Dana she simply had no idea and that bothered her tremendously.

 

When she brought this up to Dana, the brunette said it wasn't that easy for her. She couldn't just suddenly get used to talking about herself when she hadn't done it for years. And feeling utterly frustrated and rejected and hurt, Lara demanded to know if she had managed to talk to Alice about such things. To which the tennis player said in sharp tones that brooked no further discussion that Alice was different. Alice knew her better than anyone, Alice was her best friend for years, Alice was the woman she--

 

Then she stopped.

 

She stopped talking but Lara couldn't let it go, so she pushed and she prodded, and she finally got Dana to shout in a shaky confession, laden with tears, that Alice was the woman she was in love with. Five minutes later they broke up and days later Dana began dating an endless line of Hollywood lesbians while showing up to one high end paparazzi photographed party after another. They remained friends because somehow Lara knew that was what they were meant to be and despite how hurt she was to know Dana never really loved her, she cared for the athlete still. And Lara had always been taught that if you care for someone you donÕt simply give up on them when things become difficult. Because that wasn't caring at all.

 

Caring for Dana was what made it so difficult to watch from the stands with her family as she struggled in what was meant to be an easy and fun tennis match for charity. Watching as Dana missed shots she would have made with her eyes closed just months before and lost her renowned on the court concentration.

 

What set Dana apart from other players was the simple fact that she was always there. In tournament after tournament, match after match, Dana Fairbanks showed up to play with consistent skill and utterly fierce determination. Before now there hadn't been one time in her entire professional career that people could say she didn't play her best.

 

By some miracle, Lara managed to fend off the increasingly worried questions from Dana's family and when the match finally ended, with the brunette losing two out of the three sets, they made their way down to the locker room as they rushed to check on her. They found Dana with Lucia, looking exhausted and near collapse, insisting that she was fine.

 

Something that her brother scoffed at and her mother said was ridiculous, while her father stood back and looked at his only daughter with dark and worried eyes. Dana pushed them off and rose to her feet with a precarious balance and as soon as she stood up, she stumbled and began to fall and moving with a speed that his family no longer knew he possessed, Irwin caught Dana in his arms and lifted her up like he did when she was a small baby, cradling her close. He focused his gaze on Lara and said slow and even that she was sick, wasn't she, and the only thing Lara could manage to do was nod and say yes, she was.

 

They took her to the hospital and on the way there, her family managed to force an explanation out of both Dana and Lara. Telling them that she had been diagnosed with having stage three breast cancer and her doctor recommended an immediate treatment of both radiation and chemotherapy to stop it from spreading.

 

And god, the overwhelming silence and then overpowering noise as they first took this in and then demanded to know why Dana hadn't told them earlier. Wanting to know how long she had been sick and desperate to have some reassurance that she was going to be fine. Only Dana couldn't give them that and somehow, it all came tumbling down on her. The true magnitude of her illness and what it meant in terms of her life.

 

Tears came fast and hard and long and Irwin reached back from the driver's seat to clasp Dana's hand as Sharon held her close and Howie rubbed her back in a soothing caress. In that moment of warm and loving protection Dana realized she didn't have to go through this alone because now she had her family to be with her.

 

Lifting her eyes up to lock with Lara's, who smiled softly at her and held an expression of gentle understanding, Dana realized something else. That she wanted more, that she needed more, to be able to get through this and begin to really and truly live. She needed the woman she loved, she needed to be with Alice.

 

---

 

It was just a little past midnight when Dana found herself standing at the door to Alice's apartment. Earlier that day she had begun the first round of chemotherapy and she wasn't looking forward to returning there every day for six more days to receive her treatment. Her entire family brought her to and from the hospital, insisting on spending the whole day with her and it was only at ten o'clock when she faked being tired that they finally left her condo.

 

Though she thought she wanted the peace and quiet their absence would bring Dana found herself ill at ease and began pacing and going over the events of the day. She heard Dr. Fields and him talking of her options and the side effects of chemotherapy and radiation over and over again, to the point that she thought it would drive her crazy from hearing it so much.

 

Before she knew it, she was inside of her car and driving to Alice's apartment and walking inside of the building and staring at the front door, wanting to knock on it but somehow being unable. And so she stood and she stared and she just as she raised her hand up to knock on the door she heard a familiar voice say with certain surprise, "Dana?"

 

Turning slowly, Dana took her first really good look at Alice after months of denying herself because of the pain she would always feel at doing so. The pain of watching the woman she was in love with change into a complete stranger because of the insecurities that the athlete found herself incapable of soothing. God, how it fucking hurt to see Alice become a shell of who she once was. No longer confident and carefree and genuinely happy but instead clingy and anxious and frightened, just impossibly frightened at the idea of losing Dana's love.

 

But that wasn't the woman standing in front of Dana now. She knew that instantly when she turned to see the easy smile on the blonde's face fade into a look of soft concern. Alice didn't rush to her side and the tennis player got the impression that was because she wasn't sure if Dana would appreciate such a gesture. And that sweetness, that consideration, told the brunette that she was back. Her Alice was back. The Alice who trusted people and always tried to think the best of them, the Alice who would never hide and suspiciously follow the every move of the person she loved to make sure they didn't lie about their plans for the day. After an unbearably long absence, the real Alice was back and Dana couldn't find the words to explain how happy she was to know that. Because that was the Alice she was still in love with, that was the Alice that would hold onto her heart for now and always.

 

She looked so very good with her hair grown out to shoulder length and returning to her natural color, wearing a pair of black pin striped slacks and a short sleeved white collared shirt that was left open to reveal a decent amount of cleavage which added to the overall effect of making Alice look incredibly sexy. An effect that was obviously meant for the gorgeous woman that stood at Alice's side, her arm comfortably wrapped around the journalist's waist.

 

They were on a date. There was no if or and about it. And it was a date that Dana had clearly interrupted by appearing at Alice's door uninvited. On realizing this, Dana could feel herself becoming so horribly defeated because maybe it was too late for them. Maybe she had waited too long or maybe Alice felt differently than she did and believed their romance was best left in the past because of everything that had gone on.

 

Knowing that she couldn't take hearing that tonight, not after going through her first day of chemotherapy and feeling the fucking fear and barely repressed rage brought on by allowing herself to think on grim consequences of having this disease, Dana backed away and her cheeks red with embarrassment, she mumbled, "You're with someone. I'll leave."

 

"No!" Alice exclaimed quickly, wincing when she saw Dana's eyes widen, cursing herself for scaring off the athlete before she even got a chance to apologize for her behavior in those horrible months that seemed so long ago. "Don't go. Please stay, Dana," she said in softer tones that held a powerful and heartfelt plea in them. Turning to her date, she took the other woman's hand and led her down the hall. The tennis player watched with observant eyes as Alice's date nodded her head at whatever the blonde was saying then formed a sweet smile. Then Dana clenched her jaw and squeezed her hands into fists, causing her short fingernails to dig into her skin as she watched the woman move in and kiss the journalist with unhurried expertise. Pulling away to then disappear down the hallway and into the elevator but not before turning around and meeting Dana's gaze as she wore a smug and knowing expression on her features. Alice returned to her door, unlocking it and looking back at Dana nervously as she opened it, "Want to come inside? Or would you rather go somewhere?"

 

"I came to see you, Al," said Dana simply, following the blonde into the apartment. Feeling herself calm as she returned once again to their familiar surroundings. Everything was the same, The Chart on the wall, the cd cases spread all over the stereo, the laptop computer on the coffee table, and random clothing lying here there and nearly everywhere. "I'd rather stay here where it's just you and me and nobody else, you know?"

 

"Yeah," Alice whispered, smiling wanly. "I do know."

 

Sitting down on the couch and absently rubbing her arms which suddenly felt unbearably cold, Dana looked up at Alice as she said, "You were on a date."

 

"Yeah," said Alice again. She sat in the chair across from the couch just because she wasn't sure how close the athlete would want her to be. All the while hating that she had to think about things like that and hating herself for being the reason that such thoughts had to even exist. "I met her doing that speed dating encounter at The Planet."

 

"What's her name?" asked Dana, her eyes drifting away from Alice to focus on The Chart and noticing for probably the six hundredth time their names were still not linked. She cursed inwardly for asking what the woman's name was because she honestly didn't care. The only thing she cared about was being able to ask Alice not to see her anymore.

 

"Uta," said Alice dryly. When Dana looked to her and lifted an eyebrow in droll humor, she chuckled. "I know, right?" Alice leaned forward and waved her hands about in emphasis and Dana smiled fondly at this familiar Alice habit she had missed so very badly in their time apart. "It's a weird fucking name. But that's the least of her weirdness. She's also a vampirologist."

 

Dana's nose scrunched up and looking adorably baffled, she echoed, "A vampirologist?"

 

"Urban Dictionary describes a vampirologist as a person that researches, studies, and discusses vampires in both the fictional and the real world and the trends that follow them," chirped Alice, giving an amused grin.

 

"Al," Dana breathed, shaking her head slightly and peering up at the blonde with amused but exasperated affection. "Where do you meet these people?"

 

Laughing in delight, Alice sank back into her chair and replied teasingly, "I dunno, Dane. Where do I meet them? Maybe speed dating at The Planet like I just told you?"

 

"Funny," said Dana sardonically.

 

They sat in silence for several moments then Alice said quietly, "I saw your match the other day. From that charity tournament for the Gulf Coast relief effort. Were youÉ I mean," trailing off, the journalist nibbled on her bottom lip then faced Dana wearing a worried expression. "You seemed off," Alice continued carefully. "Did something happen?" When the tennis player swallowed visibly and Alice saw this, she said quickly, "You don't have to tell me! I was just worried because I've never seen you play that way before."

 

"What way?" asked Dana, looking at Alice with an unreadable expression that was making the blonde more and more nervous by the second.

 

"I don't know," said Alice, shrugging her shoulders uncomfortably and staring down at her hands as she began buttoning and unbuttoning the last button on her white shirt. "I'm nothing close to being an athlete or even someone who knows anything about any kind of sport. It just didn't seem like it was really you playing, that's all."

 

"I haven't been feeling well," said Dana simply. God, how she wanted to tell Alice more. She wanted to tell her about the cancer and the chemotherapy and the fear and the anger and everything else but first she had to know something else. "Al," Dana said her name in a low murmur and she looked up at the journalist with dark and impossibly sad blue eyes. "What happened to us? Why did we break up? What made us act the way that we did?"

 

"Dana," Alice said her name in something akin to amazement then she shook her head and sighed deeply. "I don't know," she said again, sounding almost defeated in the process. "I've been in therapy for a few months nowÉ Helena got me into it," she revealed, smiling as she thought of her best friend. "And I guess the best thing I got out of it so far is that our break up wasn't totally my fault or your fault or anyone's fault. It was a bunch of things piling up all at once that caused it. I dunno," Alice released another sigh and peered at Dana and smiled soft but sadly. "I loved you so much, you know? I had never felt that way about anybody and all of my life anyone I love always goes away. It's just a simple reality that I've always dealt with and for the most part, I was okay because I taught myself how to manage on my own. I could function without other people, I could take care of myself. But with youÉ" Alice shook her head and looked off to one side. "I knew I would always love you, always need you, always want you, and I got so fucking scared of you leaving because of that. But in the end," she then released a short laugh and looked at Dana with a wry and self deprecating expression. "Me being so scared of you leaving just caused it to happen anyway."

 

"Al," Dana breathed, her voice trembling. "I'm sorry."

 

"Don't be sorry," said Alice, moving forward in her seat, looking very much like she wanted to hug Dana or give her a physical sign of reassurance. "It's not your fault, Dane. Like I said before, it's not really anybody's fault. Well, except for all the fucked up stuff I did after our break up," Alice muttered, looking disgusted with herself as she said this. Looking to Dana who stared at her with wide eyes, she said, "I'm the one who's sorry, okay? For everything I did. The phone calls, the following, the fucking radio show ranting. I can't even start to say how sorry I am for how I treated you, Dana, and I don't know how I can ever make it up to you. Helena said that years of friendship can't be ruined by a few months of insanity but god," Alice released a sharp barking laugh and rose to her feet as she waved her hands about. "This was some pretty fucking hardcore insanity on my part!" Keeping her back facing the athlete, she swallowed the lump in her throat and thought about her earlier conversation with Helena and all the things she needed to say. "I still love you, Dana. Honest, I do. And like I said before, I'm so sorry for how I treated you. For all the shit I did and I can totally get if you don't think you can trust me anymore or you don't want to see me. I mean, the last thing I expected was for you to come see me after everything I've done." Turning around, Alice looked at the athlete and slowly made her way over to sit on the coffee table in front of Dana. Her brown eyes were serious and solemn and shining with unshed tears as she murmured, "I think something is wrong with you and I get it, you know? I get that you might not want to tell me or even want my help but I want you to know that I would give it to you." Pausing for a moment and gathering her strength, Alice's voice cracked, "I would give anything, I would do anything, to make up for everything I've done and to somehow let you know how much I love you."


Silence as Alice dropped her head and stared at her hands that she wrung together with anxious energy. Then she felt the cool and soft caress of Dana cupping her chin and lifting her head up to meet their eyes. "Want to know something really fucked up?" she asked, smiling softly when Alice nodded her head and rubbed at her eyes to clear the tears away. "Part of me was glad that you did all that stuff. The phone calls, the following, and even the radio show ranting because it meant that you still loved me as much as I loved you. And it meant that even though I wasn't with you, I knew that you were mine." A wry smile quirking on her lips, Dana said, "How fucking selfish is that?"

 

"God," said Alice with a shaky laugh, ducking her head and sighing. Peering up at Dana, she drawled, "We're so totally sad and dysfunctional, aren't we?"

 

"Yeah," said Dana in fond agreement, caressing Alice's cheek and enjoying the baby soft texture of the pale skin. "But at least we admit to our sad dysfunctionality instead of denying it, insisting everything is fine, and deciding to randomly raise trendy gay children."

 

"Somehow I can't see our kids ever being trendy," said Alice derisively.

 

"Somehow I can't see our kids ever existing," said Dana just as derisively, arching an eyebrow as if to silently say, 'That's right. Bring it.'

 

Instead of bringing it, Alice burst into giggles and leaned into Dana, resting her head on the athlete's shoulder and feeling so happy, happier than she had been in such a long while as the brunette wrapped her up in a hug. They remained like that for several minutes and after she got beyond the utter joy of being held by Dana for the first time in months, Alice noticed something. Several things, actually. She noticed how the tennis player was far thinner than she used to be, she noticed how her skin was unusually chilly, and she noticed a disturbing vulnerability clinging to Dana. It was something that Alice had recognized when she saw her in The Planet the other day but holding her now, it was so much clearer and it honestly frightened her because she knew, she just knew, it meant something was horribly wrong with Dana.

 

"Dana?" Alice whispered in the brunette's ear, nuzzling close.

 

"Yeah?" Dana said again, her voice a bare hush that the journalist had to strain to hear.

 

Silence once more then Alice scooted forward to hold Dana closer yet. "I know something is wrong," she began carefully. "And I want to help if I can. So could you please tell me what it is? Could you tell me what's wrong?"

 

There were a myriad of ways to respond, Dana knew this because she had practiced them both out loud and in her head. The different ways to tell Alice and her friends that she was sick. Ways that sometimes started with an anecdote about how she first felt the lump in her right breast. How she woke up hung over after another Hollywood party, stumbled into the shower, stubbing her big toe on the along the way, and felt the lump after dropping her pineapple scented loofa for the sixth time. Or maybe she would start off by talking about how after she broke up with Lara and realized she was still hopelessly in love with Alice that she just stopped caring about herself in a way that she used to. Caring enough to maintain her expert health regimen and how she thought maybe it was that slip in her routine which had allowed this to happen, though she knew it was ridiculous to think that. A lot of the time she wanted to begin by screaming. Just screaming long and loud about how it wasn't fucking fair, how she was the healthiest person she knew. That she had always, until these past few months, watched her diet and never really drank a lot and certainly never did any drugs and was never anywhere close to promiscuous. She did everything that was fucking right and where had it gotten her? A lump in her breast and a possible death sentence. There were so many ways to tell Alice and so many things that she wanted to say but Dana still found herself in the familiar territory of fumbling and feeling helplessly lost for the words.

 

And so she simply said it.

 

"I have cancer," said Dana, ducking her head and hiding her face in the crook of Alice's neck and wondering why was it that she never noticed how good the blonde always smelled.

 

"What?" Alice asked, her voice strangled and full of disbelief and she gently pushed the athlete forward as to get a clear look at her features. "What did you just say?"

 

"I found a lump in my breast a week ago," began Dana softly, meeting Alice's stunned and wide eyed gaze head on. "I saw a doctor and he told me it was stage three breast cancer. Today was my first day of chemotherapy," she revealed almost wryly.

 

"Oh god," Alice whispered and her head fell only to immediately rise again and her hands reached out to tenderly hold Dana's face. "But you're going to be okay, aren't you?" she asked desperately, searching the tennis player's features, frantic for some sign of reassurance.

 

"I don't know," said Dana brokenly and for the second time since she discovered she had this disease, she let herself fall apart. She sobbed and she shook and she cursed at the world and for some reason it felt good. Simply because she was doing it while held in Alice's arms and since the day they met she had always felt safe and protected whenever she was with the blonde woman. "I don't know what's going to happen and I'm really scared, Al."

 

Holding Dana closer still, practically placing the athlete in her lap, Alice rubbed her back and murmured, "It'll be fine, Dane. I'll be with you the entire time, whenever you want and whatever you want, I'll be there. All right?" Pulling away, she gave a large grin and cupped Dana's face in her hands. "And no more tears," she declared, wiping them from the tanned features she knew better than her own. "You remember who you are, right? Dana Fairbanks, professional athlete and kicker of asses. This disease doesn't stand a chance," Alice announced in tones arrogant enough that they had the brunette chuckling.

 

"Cancer zero, Fairbanks three?" asked Dana in droll tones, lifting an eyebrow.

 

"I don't know where you came up with the score but sure, that works," said Alice grinning and pushing a lock of wavy brown hair behind the tennis player's ear.

 

Sighing heavily and feeling strangely as if a huge weight had been taken off her shoulders, Dana sank into Alice, resting her head on the blonde's shoulder to once again nuzzle into the soft skin of her neck. "Hey Al?" she murmured after several moments of silence as they remained locked in their comfortable embrace. "Would you do something for me?"

 

"Anything," said Alice in a gentle but solemn promise.

 

Pulling slightly away to peer into Alice's curious brown eyes, Dana tried to fight the grin she felt tugging at her lips and said, "Tell our friends?"

 

The look of shock then amusement and then overdramatic and obviously faux outrage soon had Dana giggling and squirming away from Alice who declared several times that she was bad, very bad, while tickling the athlete to the best of her ability. And despite her worries and her fears and the slightly nauseous feeling she still had from the start of her chemotherapy, for the first time since she found out that she had this disease Dana felt good about her life. She felt like she not only had a real chance of beating this thing but maybe also getting back the one thing that mattered most. The one thing that made life worth living in the first place.

 

Being with the woman she loved.

 

---

 

Having everyone gather at Dana's condo was Alice's idea but having a mammoth sized buffet of food was something that the tennis player came up with. Something that, on looking at the piles and piles of food, Alice didn't think was a good thing. Simply because of what they were about to tell their friends and the fact that for some reason she associated bad news and a lot of food with going to a wake or a funeral or something of that nature. And the last thing Alice thought they should be reminding their friends of were events that took place around dead people as they heard that Dana had been diagnosed with stage three breast cancer.

 

But the food was already there and everything was already set up and Dana was already absently nibbling on crab legs then cheese sticks and a melon ball so Alice supposed there was a point to it all. If eating randomly selected items of food helped the athlete to get through this then it was worth it. Even if it did creepily remind her of wakes and funerals.

 

"How are we going to do this?" asked Dana, snapping a carrot stick that had started off at a small size into an even smaller piece and biting into it.

 

"I don't know," Alice murmured as she heaved a sigh and plopped down onto the oversized stuffed chair in Dana's living room. "I guess you could do it the same way you did with me," she suggested humorously, a grin playing at her lips. "Blurt it out and then deal with the horrible ramifications and reactions afterwards."

 

"I didn't blurt it out!" exclaimed Dana huffily, her cheeks turning red as she picked up a strawberry to nibble on. "I told you without beating around the bush, that's all."

 

"That's good," drawled Alice playfully, lifting up an eyebrow and swinging her feet over the stuffed chair to look up at Dana who stood next to her now. "Because I've talked to that bush and I happen to know that it really doesn't appreciate being beaten around." Wearing an expression of utmost solemnity, Alice acted as if she was revealing some guarded secret and said, "It's even thinking of bringing about a lawsuit."

 

"Dork," proclaimed Dana fondly, sitting on the arm of the chair and trying to ignore the urge to perch on the blonde's lap like she had done so often when they were dating. She had wanted to tell Alice last night that she loved her, that she was still in love with her but something stopped her. Perhaps nerves or just plain old fashioned fear but Dana couldn't seem to say the words and now she wondered if maybe she wouldn't ever be able to say them again. Right now the only things that she really wanted was to be rid of this cancer and be healthy and to have her relationship with Alice back. Not only as friends but as lovers because in her heart Dana knew when it came to the blonde she didn't want to settle for anything less. "Al?" she began somewhat anxiously and when dark brown eyes peered up at her, Dana felt her heart race and suddenly she forgot what she wanted to say, if in fact she wanted to say anything at all. Alice smiled encouragingly at her and reached up to clasp her hand and when she did, the tennis player found herself saying, "Would you stay with me tonight? I don't think I'm going to want to be alone after doing all of this."

 

"Of course I'll stay," said Alice warmly, squeezing Dana's hand and rubbing it in a comforting gesture. "Although," she said in dry tones. "I'd be totally shocked if you ended up alone tonight, Dane. I bet you anything that they all ask to come along when you bring up your handy time to end this depressing conversation remark of needing to go to chemotherapy. Then they will probably follow us back to your condo when your treatment is done and camp out." Wearing an overly salacious expression that made her look comically naughty, Alice said, "It'll be one big lesbian slumber party."

 

"You think they'll want to stay over?" asked Dana who secretly started dreading how to go about saying she really didn't want anyone with her but Alice right now. She loved her friends, truly she did, but from the moment she found out she had this disease the only thing she wanted was to have the blonde with her. And now that she had gotten her wish, well, at least some of it, she wasn't too eager to start having to divide her time among people who weren't Alice. Part of her realized she was strangely doing something close to what the blonde had done just before their break up but she couldn't help it. The fucking specter of the disease and the fact that she could die from it haunted Dana and it made her desires, her wants, seem that much more important. For the first time in her life, the athlete felt herself becoming somewhat forceful in terms of telling people what she wanted and then going about getting it. And what she wanted as of this second was to spend the night alone with Alice in order to hopefully work up the courage to tell the journalist she was in love with her still. "But I don't want them to."

 

"Well, then they won't," said Alice simply, smiling up at Dana while she absently traced a pattern on the palm of the athlete's right hand. She started to lift the hand up to press a kiss to it like she had done so often when they were dating but stopped just in time and instead swung the hand gently to and fro. "Easy as that. Don't you worry about a thing, Dane. If there's something that I have experience in, it's the art of getting rid of people."

 

"That makes you sound like a mafia hitman," observed Dana sardonically.

 

"Hitwoman," corrected Alice in hoity tones, messing with the brunette's hand in order to have Dana's own index finger pointing up at her in accusation.

 

"Hitperson!" said Dana, crowing with triumph and smirking at Alice, pleased that she had found the ultimate politically correct term for a mob assassin.