TITLE: The Ambiguously Gay Willow
AUTHOR: Dreiser
EMAIL: dreiser0@earthlink.net
ICQ #: 37674780
CONTENT: F/F romance. Sort of W/T.
SUMMARY: A stream of consciousness fic that babbles in hopefully the same
adorable way that Willow does.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing but my sense of humor.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The title and idea of this fic was given to me by my friend
Matt. He's a wacky but lovable guy.


The Ambiguously Gay Willow

By: Dreiser


 There are many adjectives in this world and Willow Rosenberg was pretty
sure that she didn't fit most of them.

 In fact, she was damn sure she didn't fit most of them. Not that she'd ever
say the word damn to enforce that belief, but that was how sure she really
was.

 Damn sure.

 Because Willow wasn't really an adjective producing girl. No, she was more
a noun or verb girl. She wasn't very descriptive. Instead, she held things
together.

 She was the glue of the word world, not meant for the more glamorous life
of having adjectives used for her.

 Some might even say that Willow was ambiguous.

 That's certainly what Willow would say. At least, to herself, because it
seemed like her friends, family, and even complete strangers felt they knew
exactly who she was when Willow herself felt quite ambiguous.

 It's strange, how people can think that you're so sure of who you really
are when inside you're lost.

 Then again, it wasn't always like that for Willow. Certainly not when she
was in elementary school or some parts of junior high. Well, maybe all of
junior high.

 Back then she knew who she was. She was a girl who was considered a nerd
and was madly in love with her oldest childhood friend, Xander Harris, who
would never see her in the same light that she saw him.

 Then came high school.

 Oh, the agony, the pain, the woes of high school.

 Quite frankly, if it wasn't for Buffy those would have been the worst years
of her life, Willow knew this without a doubt. But Buffy was there and Buffy
saved her from those years of torture like she saved other people from
vampires. That was just Buffy's way.

 Her feelings for Buffy were ambiguous at first. At least, Willow thought
they were ambiguous. It went in an odd sort of development. There was
amazement that Buffy was talking to her, gratitude that Buffy was giving her
a chance, excitement on becoming Buffy's friend, intense loyalty to Buffy as
her first true friend, and then, finally, a deep sense of love for Buffy.

 That's when Willow noticed her feelings got a lot stronger. She cared for
Buffy... and it wasn't in a best friend sort of manner. Unless you were
watching those late night movies Xander liked on Cinemax.

 Not that Willow really knew what was really going on until she met her
vampire counterpart. I think I'm kind of gay, she said to Buffy after that
meeting. She thought, she thought, and she thought some more about it. And
in all of this thinking she found herself more confused than ever.

 Who was she really? Was she straight or was she gay? Did she like girls
now? Did she like Buffy?

 Suddenly, she was feeling things she never felt for another person before
and it scared her, it scared her a lot. But did anyone notice? No, not at
all. To them she was the same Willow she'd always been.

 She was as ambiguous as ever.

 Then there came Oz and he calmed her down, made her feel steady and safe,
and to be perfectly honest, despite being in a cool band he was boring.
Maybe that's what she needed. Someone that was the exact opposite of Buffy's
liveliness to center her.

 And he did center her. For the longest time Willow let herself get caught
up Oz and his centered calm which kept her mind somewhat off of Buffy and
made her less jittery.

 During this time Willow wondered if perhaps people were starting to see her
for who she really was. That they would now take her seriously and examine
her new take on life and general new persona.

 Not so.

 Somehow or another, she'd gone from the nerd to Buffy's freaky friend to
Oz's girlfriend. And in all of those various definitions of her personality,
Willow's true self remained essentially the exact same thing.

 Utterly ambiguous.

 There were times that Willow wondered if anyone would ever know the real
her at all. Was she just meant to be misunderstood and misjudged by
everyone? Would people continue to think that she was fine when she was, in
truth, horribly upset? Why was this happening?

 All of this and more went through her head daily up until her entrance into
college and Oz leaving her. Then it went through her head hourly.

 Perhaps what she found most frustrating during this period in time was the
lack of support she found. They just stopped listening to her. In fact, her
friends just had a vibe of being plain tired of her. Even Buffy.

 Buffy... the first person she really loved...

 No one understood. That's why she cast that spell. That and she was sort of
mental at the time. But what can you expect when it seems as if nobody knows
the real you or wants to know the real you?

 I mean, that's got to cause some freaky reaction and when you put magic
into the mix? Ouch. Scary stuff, as Willow herself discovered.

 Things went back to normal or as normal as Sunnydale got since she felt
that she was 'over' Oz now. Which made all of her friends sigh loudly with
relief and Willow cringe inwardly from seeing this reaction.

 After all that, after all they'd seen, after experiencing the full brunt of
her feelings, they still didn't know how she truly felt inside.

 She was still ambiguous to them.

 Seeking solace or perhaps kinship of a kind, Willow decided to go to the on
campus Wicca meeting. Of course, at the time she didn't know they'd all be a
bunch of wannabes who just liked burning candles and incense.

 Except for one of them.

 Yes, there was one girl that Willow knew almost instinctively, was like
her. Like her in the way that no one knew who she really was, no one
bothered to look at what lay beneath their thin surface layer. Seeing what
they both were didn't take much effort and yet, no one tried.

 No one, until they met each other.

 The more time that Willow spent with Tara, the more she felt alive, the
more she felt understood, and the more she felt at peace than she had ever
been. Finally, she found that other part of herself, the thing that had been
missing.

 When they kissed and Willow looked into Tara's eyes, she saw herself, her
true self reflected there. And in that moment, she knew she'd finally
achieved it.

 She wasn't ambiguous anymore.

 She wasn't, because she couldn't be. Because now she knew who she was and
what she wanted. And she was Willow Rosenberg, college student, Wiccan, and
the very in love and very proud girlfriend of Tara...

 Ugh, she still didn't know her last name.

 Okay, just the very proud girlfriend of Tara. That was good enough for her
and who cared about last names?

 However, even in her happiness with Tara, the one that helped Willow find
her true self, who she really was, there was still a problem. The problem
that even though she was with Tara romantically, others didn't know that. In
fact, if she told them, they sometimes didn't believe her.

 Which made her something new altogether. A nifty little name that Xander
made up and liked to sing at times just to annoy her. But despite the fact
that she hated it, she knew that there were worse things in life to be
called than the ambiguously gay Willow.

-End-